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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Robbie... It´s a date...


Saturday, July 29, 2006



Stay there and keep doing your your JesusChrist Superstar Act and make sure this time you´ll bleed to death!

It was a hell of a week... suddenly a Huge Breakdown took over my life and, though I didn´t want to write on my blog about it, I´ve been feeling like crap in the last few days.

My drug treatment seems to be losing its power and the secundary effects started fistfucking my brain every night. Insomnia, panic attacks , anxhiety disorders... a true nightmare.

A week ago, I wrote the Countess:

[...]this weekend was very sad
Madonna performed in Miami her last show of this world tour in the US.

call me stupid, but I was so sad I couldn´t make it, this time I had my hopes that I could be there... and that made me think about where should I be now and where I am... stucked in my room, stucked in Buenos Aires, Stucked... period. far from the ones I love.

Last night I had a horrible panic attack and I had to ask Mom to stay with me... I know I won´t be able to go to the US in september as planned, and who knows for how long...
it was about time, wasn´t it?

Yes... there was a huge background, it wasn´t Madonna´s fault, but it started my loopings in that hedious DEPRESSION rollercoaster...

On the other hand, Madonna DID CANCELL the Southamerican leg of her Confessions World Tour, and, being a huge fan of her, I am so dissapointed and sad about it...



And now, for the Lub of GOD, Robbie Williams just confirmed his two dates (70.000 seats each) at the Monumental River Plate Stadium in (of course!) Buenos Aires next October 13rd and 14th.

The ticket chase will begin next monday at 10.00am and it seems they will be a REAL PAIN IN THE ASS to get.

In March this year, U2 sold out two dates at the very same Stadium in only three hours... Just imagine what this Ticket Hunt would be knowing that the "pain in the ass" is coming from this hottie and not from BONO!.

(Thanks to my friend Guillo! he will purchase tickets in my name! I can´t do it while I´m in the Bubble!!)

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Norma Desmond Chocolate Box

My beloved and oh-so-infamous-hag, Maria, Countess of Navarro, came by this afternoon to have a coffe at "The Bubble".

If you are not new here, you would probbably remember her from several entries about how crazyness, love and friendship have no limits on her big big heart.

Maria is one of those voices you will always find on the other side of the phone while, crying at 3am, you are calling just to say: "Hunny, I need to smile..."

She always finds a way to surprise me and, no matter how depressed, inflated, ugly, sad, fucked up I could be... she will always make me smile.

remember these?

Maria dressed up as Julie Andrewss singing "The Sound of Music" on my living room(video)

Maria dressed up as a Nun holding a Monkey as the scene from Phantom of the Opera

Well, this time she took adventage of our (Alexis´s and mine) obsession with SUNSET BOULEVARD and its main character, Alexis, I mean Norma Desmond! and she gave me a Box full of chocolates with a porcelain miniature of Norma Desmond she had made with her own hands!


The BOX reproduces the scene when Norma is lying on her divan, smocking her cigarette whatching Joe while he´s reading the script she wrote.

The colors of the robe are inspired on the outfit Glenn Close was wearing while playing the role on stage.

This role was originally played by Gloria Swanson in the 1950´s black & white movie.

PLEASE, the ones who remember the movie, even the detail of her cigarette attached to her ring was taken care!!!!!!!


Mom took this pictures to "show your husband how your hair looks like on a day like this" ...

Of course, the inflated-as-a-mexican-piñata look on my face is a courtesy of my fucking CORTIZONE high dosage

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

All right...STOP CRYING

Well... I think we all have cried enough this weekend...

here, let´s start with a smile!

Saturday, July 22, 2006


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The day after “friend´s day”, four years ago, I received a phonecall...

Let´s go back to 1996, I was 16 years old and after my family had moved to a new neighbourhood, I had to start going to a new High School... I was again: “The New Guy”.
Untill that moment I had never experienced what to have real friends was, if you remember, I used to be a very lonely kid living in a cristal bubble and avoiding any contact with real people... what a freak weirdo!

I was a new guy and being sorrounded by people of my own age helped me change my “way of dealing with others” . At the age of 16, I decided to open that bubble and let others in...
For the first time in my life I had friends, I was going to parties and I was enjoying being “just like others”... everything was new and, lots of thinhgs were there to be discovered, I found myself being a “regular teenager” and it was awesome. (´Till that moment I was sort of a “scale model of an adult person”).

And I fell in love...
Of course! I needed a first time true love story to complete the equation, and it was there for me, I just had to rise my head in those huge HighSchool aisles to face him, Gabriel.

We had already been introduced by a friend we had in commom but, as he was known as a “very problematic” guy, I just stayed away from him...silly me.

One afternoon, he found me at my classroom getting the papers ready to do a few things for my mother at the Bank on my way home and he offered his help (though I didn´t need help on that, I accepted) We went to the Bank, did my thing, and stayed together afterwards untill it got very late and I had to head home.
The day after, he was waiting for me after my classes to join my long walk home... several hours later, I was getting my “first kiss” at the bus stop, before saying goodbye.

Gabriel had a girlfriend, a girl who was living near my house, and a lot of big NOOOOO!s but I was blind, and the only thing I could see were “stars on his eyes”.... and as “another schoolgirl (lol)” I followed them untill I crashed against a wall.

We were together for 8 months, by the first week, the girlfriend was history, by the second week, he introduced me to his group of friends (a very reduced group) as “my boyfriend Ian”... in the beginning they just laughed shaking their heads, they knew he was crazy and they thought this was just another joke, and that I was part of it. Gabriel was a clown and clowns are dangerouse when they know no limits...

I was not “out” (before then, only my parents knew I was gay – remember I had NO FRIENDS) just the thought of losing this new status as a “regular boy” made my closet bigger and bigger... So, keeping a secret relationship in front of everyone with the “crazy clown” Gabriel was, started to be a huge trouble by the second month...

During this period, a lot of things were happening in my family, another brother was soon to be born and due to health problems, the dangers of an abortion were too high for consideration..A huge storm was over my head then and I had no intentions to get things worse... but I was blind... and by the third month, things GOT WORSE.

No doubt, Gabriel was insane... and that “crazyness” I enjoyed since the moment I had met him was the same crazyness I adopted as a stupid kid who was “pretending” to be an adult... I got used to that insanity and, being so blind, I couldn´t see I was driving fast speed against a wall.

My partners at HSchool (the ones who cared) tried to warn me several times that I wasn´t the same guy I used to be... my home was a mess, my parents were now all worried and started to restrict that freedom I always had. (they were thinking I was into drugs or some kind of satanic group- lol). Rumours about my “Pervert relationship” with Gabriel were all over School and every day, thinhgs got worse and worse. But I didn´t care then, I was living in a “new bubble”, a world only made for two...

By the time we reached the eighth month, things were totally out of control and I decided to end that sickness, there was no fight, no argues, just a fine and memorable conversation when we agreed to break up.

I didn´t know then that I was destroying this crazy little man´s HUGE EGO, or whatever I did that night, and what I thought it was a big nightmare (to deal with my family, the rumors , etc) was nothing compared with the things to come...

I think it was the week after that, I went to school and I found that all the letters I had written to Gabriel during an eight months relationship were now in the hands of every single human being at school... secrets, projects, dreams, love promises, thoughts, needs... all detailed in papers that were being fotocopied and distributed between the students of the wonderful Dr. Etchegaray High School.

Yes, I could never understand why he did something like that, He outed ourselves in the most aggresive way he could find, some sort of revenge against me and my “stupid desition” of trying to live away from him.

Whatever going through his selfish little brain was pointless, the damages were already done, and the consequenses up to come.

I became the easy joke of the day, a victim of a mercyless group of stupid teenagers who were ready to join a homophobic army with only one purpuse: to destroy my sanity.

I found out I had no friends, no love, no bubble... There is no room for bubbles when reality is blowing up in your face, even my teachers were known about what was happening.

One morning, I was at school, crying in the bathroom, and I heard someone at the door. I dried my tears and felt someone was grabbing my shoulder. When I turned I saw Alejandro, a guy who shared with me a few classes, one of those guys americans would call “popular”.

Since the moment this whole mess had started, Alejandro never dared to say anything, I thought he was kinda dissapointed or hurted because I had not trusted him.

He said: “Ian, I just want to hear the truth from you”

I looked at him, stopped crying and tried to speak... he interrupted me: “if those letters are real, I just want you to know that I don´t give a fuck of what they say about what you are or who you love”... I couldn´t say a word, he was known of being the head of every gang and a natural born lider. I had always thought that he would have been the first to kick my face, just because of my homosexuality, but then, he was showing me how wrong I was... he said: “though I´ve known you for less than a year I can say you are not a piece of shit like most of this idiots are... “ he gave me a hug and stayed there for the rest of the half hour break so I could cry on his shoulder, then, when we heard the ring of the Maths class, he took my head between his hands and gave me a very short kiss on my lips “you see?” he said “I don´t care”. I was in shock, I couldn´t even move. He smiled and said “we gotta go, wash your face and cumb your hair, they all want to see you like this, don´t give them the chance...” and he left.

That morning, Alejandro tought me a lesson I will never forget.

How easy is to pre-judge, being so wrong about the ones who sorround us. Alejandro was not gay, he wasn´t even demostrative with his friends, he was just a nice guy who couldn´t stand all the shit he was witnessing every day, and decided to do something to ease my pain.

I never had the chance to talk about this with him, actually, I think I only told the story of this kiss once, to my friend María.

By the end of 1996 Alejandro´s family moved to downtown and he left school.

1997 started with a whole new group of Students who had never heard about the fag or her loveletters and the things got better (or less worse).

Gabriel was still on school but, problems with drugs and alcohol, plus his own personality disorders turned him into a complete stranger, someone I couldn´t even recognize.

And I was Ian, the fag, the homo, the friend of Dorothy, a whole new being, proud of myself, decided to do something with my life. Laughing with others, laughing about my own shit and determined to be the happiest HOMO on earth, no matter what other people could say about it..

The day after “friend´s day”, four years ago (July 21st 2002), I received a phonecall...

Alejandro, “a friend from High School” had been found dead in his bedroom, he hanged himself with his belt... there was no note left.

Whatever had happened to you, I will never know, but I´m sure no matter where you are now, you are smiling at me, and laughing about what we decided (without a word) it would be our “little secret”...

Thank you, Alejandro, thank you so much...

Ian- July 21st 2006

Friday, July 21, 2006

a SAD story...

Hello guys and Girls,
I know it´s friday and I should be posting the WEEKEND´S CHOICE but as long as I don´t get enough comments (I´m getting a comment every 35 visits... and that really pisses me off!) I just can´t post a feedback required game if I´m not getting any feedback...

The party last night was amazing and it was oh-so-fucking-great to be out of my room for a few hours!

Right now, I´m writting my next post.. this time I´m taking the time machine and going back to my High School days...

It will be a sad story wich includes; sex, friendship, love, politics, and death...

I´m sure you will like it.

If you don´t, I´m sorry, you were THIS CLOSE to have the chance to choose between three options... so sad you haven´t left a comment before...
Shame on you!

The Bitter Handicapped Bitch.

(come back in a few hours to read the story)



The day after “friend´s day”, four years ago, I got a

Let´s go back to 1996, I was 16 years old and after my family had moved to a new neighbourhood, I had to start going to a new High School... I was again: “The New Guy”.
Untill that moment I had never experienced what to have real friends was, if you remember, I used to be a very lonely kid living in a cristal bubble and avoiding any contact with real people... what a freak weirdo!

I was a new guy and being sorrounded by people of my own age helped me change my “way of dealing with others” . At the age of 16, I decided to open that bubble and let others in...
For the first time in my life I had friends, I was going to parties and I was enjoying being “just like others”... everything was new and, lots of thinhgs were there to be discovered, I found myself being a “regular teenager” and it was awesome. (´Till that moment I was sort of a “scale model of an adult person”).
And I fell in love...

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Every July 20th, Argentinians (I dunno about others) celebrate "Friend´s Day"... (NO, not the sitcom, it´s kinda Mother´s Day but this time, the gift is going to your pals).

So, every giftshop is packed and all stationery stores are full of people buying postcards, presents, flowers and all kind of silly object they think their friends would just die to own...

Another big thing about this celebration (besides the increase in the price of all these objects) are the endless list of big parties!
Yes, everyone you know is dealing with two or three diff´rent parties to attend (even yourself!).

As all my friends know, I don´t give a shit about this "Special date" due to the thought of "everyday should be a Friend´s Day" but they also know how I LOOOOOOOOVE TO PARTY!

So, even though they KNOW they will never get a HAPPY FRIEND´S DAY postcard from me, every year, since the beginning of July, the invitations start to arrive.

WELL, this year found me inside "The Bubble" so I won´t have the chance to write another "Endless Nights Chronicles" post... but Miri, my friend, is throwing a "get together" at her house and it includes dinner and music (!!!) so I´m going out for the first time since the treatment has began.


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I´m such a FAG... (Shut up, Alexis...)

This morning I found between my old stuff (all those things I have in boxes from the time before I moved out ) a very old and forgotten DVD of Les Miserables in Concert I had bought several years ago... (yes, in those early times I used to buy and respect Copyrighted stuff).

So... even though I´m not a big LesMis fan, I watched it again this morning... and, of course, I cried and cried and cried... (I think now I remember why I wasn´t a big LeMis fan... fucking show!).

and cried... and cried... and cried...

Then, while I was um, crying... Pablo, My Riverside friend logged on MSN and asked me "how I was".-

Ian: crying...

Pablo: why?????

Ian: Because Fantine is dying... AND SINGING!!!!!!!

Friday, July 14, 2006



A few weeks ago I wrote:

"He entered to my life as all the most amazing men I adore did, as A LOVER"

I was talking about Fred, the man sleeping with his little nephew in the picture above. Fred, once a lover now a wonderful friend.

I know it sounds crazy... actually I realized about that after my husband politely called me "a whore" when he read that line... BUT IT´S TRUE.
When I look back at all the guys that really ment something for me (I mean as friends) is "funny" how I can picture most of them naked in my bed (figurative, I can´t assure it was always in my bed, lol)

The point is that, instead of thinking of me as "a whore" (I know you are!) I can say I´m kinda proud...

no! not proud of being a whore, bitch! the reason? I´m not sure... maybe proud of being
able to turn something meanningless (a lover) into the greatest treasure a human being can cherish (friendship).

Most of you might be wondering why in gay hell I decided to blog about this...

well... I can only say that it was such a good experience to open my email box and find Fred´s emails (including the one with that loveable picture) asking about my health and saying that his boyfriend (They have been together for more than three years now) was also worried about me...

"Life will find a way" says Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park...

of course he was talking about dinosaurs but that phrase came to my mind when I found myself "happily married" reading an e-mail from a "happily married" former lover who´s telling me that he and his boyfriend are worried about my health...

And I thought whores only get the money on the night-table in the morning after...

well... after several years I got a beautiful picture too!

To read more about Fred in my blog, click HERE(see Angel#6).


I did it in the past, I know...

There comes a time when a blogger just doesn´t know what to blog about. In my case, being tired of my own rants about my health, my doctors and my treatment, I decided to go back to the insanity that sorrounds me, outside the bubble I am living in... and OH GAWD! I have endless material! (just check my Twiglight Zone Posts on my sidebar!)

But, as usual, I dunno where to begin...

This is why, again, I need your help to go on...

This time, I have two big stories up to come...
you decide which one goes first:



if you are just lazy to comment, just write A or B and I´ll get it....




a) Mitch is flying
b) Mitch is singing
c) Mitch is flying and singing!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Crest

Scelzi is my Mother´s Last Name.

Even though we know there are still relatives alive under this Last Name in Argentina (there is a huge population of "Scelzis" around the Riverside area) the bloodline I belong reached its ending with Mom and her sister (no male brothers in her family).

When my Grandpa turned 18 his father gave him an old scrapbook full of names, articules, dates, notes and stories related with all the "Scelzis" since they came to America (America, the CONTINENT, NOT THE COUNTRY) .

Of course, as any other 18 years old guy in the late 30´s, my Grandpa was a total mess and... he lost that book, a fact that his father had never forgiven untill the day he passed away.

And that´s the reason why neither of us had any idea of where the hell our origin was... actually, several years ago, before Grandpa died, my own father tried a research at the Surname Registry but never succeed. (of course, this was during the PRE-internet Era).


A few weeks ago, Alexis (a.k.a. "the loveable husband" a.k.a. "The" Mrs. Astor, a.k.a. "my angel") had to send me something but, as I couldn´t go out to pick it up myself, he required Mom´s full name so she could do it for me.

Then, and God knows why, he started wondering where that Scelzi thing came from and, on his own, he ordered a research on that family name to "The Historical Research Center" who´s people, right away started looking into their dusty files and sent him the image of the Original Family Crest and a detailed list of the early records where that Name came up for the first time.

When I knew about this I didn´t tell Alexis the old scrapbook story (he´s reading it now for the first time) and, as he decided to send everything as a gift to his Mom in law, I remained silent, he wouldn´t know the inmense meaning this present (HIS present) had and I also decided not to tell my mother a word about all this.

The package arrived yesterday and, as I knew it would happend, Mom almost fainted away when she saw her Last Name under that wonderful Crest and tears of happiness where all over the place...

oh Alexis... you did it again...

IT´S NOT EASY TO BRING HAPPINESS TO A FAMILY AS HURTED AS THIS ONE... and you´ve been doing it non-stop for the last two years.

Thank you Daa´ling...

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I´m ok, happy and still in love...

Another unreleased Alejandra Kalnisky´s shot.

Hello, today, with only two lines on an email, Ted, (one of the brightests smiles on the whole blogosphere) said it all...
I was complaining on being "tired of blogging about my illness and that was the reason why I haven´t posted an update after last friday´s treatment"
He replied:
"Hi Ian!
That's great news. I'm glad that you're fine. And I'm sure it
does get tiring talking about your illness all the time. Just know that you're talking about it a lot because people care and we love you lots!!!"

So... this will be a very brief entry just to let you all know that I´m ok. Everything since last friday has been great and, fortunatelly, NO DIZZYNESS or DOPE STATES are getting over me...

I´m just fine... and very happy...

Thank you Ted... thank you ALL!



Saturday, July 08, 2006

From The Bubble...


When I first watched this video I said to myself: "oh no... you are NOT posting that!"

Then I tought: what tha hell--- that´s THE REAL THING, if you don´t like it, then try to be more pretty next time they insert needles in your veins to drain oil drugs into your body!!!!!!! oh and most of all,


Don´t run away! it´s just me! DOPE!

enjoy (if you can)

Thursday, July 06, 2006


Unreleased Alejandra Kalnisky´s shot.

For updates, read my previous post ;)

I haven´t quit the play, the treatment is still tomorrow & I´m still in love.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

UPDATES "The Gay in the Bubble"

Hello from "The Bubble" sweethearts!
First of all, I wish a wonderful ID4 week for all my readers up there in the US!
And now, a few updates...
  • HEALT.- The results of my blood-tests will be ready for tomorrow and, if the numbers are right (we are all sure they will) on friday I´ll be getting my DRUG SECOND ROUND. (I can´t believe a month has passed already since the first one). You all might remember that the last time they plugged that thing on me I had a two weeks hangover so I hope now the "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds mood" lasted a lil´less than that. On the other hand, the treatment seems to be working fine, due to the fact that I´VE BEEN WALKING BY MYSELF FOR THE LAST THREE DAYS, yes, I started walking without assistance and I´m feeling so fucking happy about that!--- Actually, this morning I left the house for the first time in a month (I went to the Bank- big deal!) but the feeling of being out again was great... thanks for all that positive energy you are all sending to me!

  • WORK.- I´ve been having a lot of -mh, how to call them- differences with the Producers of one of the plays I´m directing (yes, actually the one I wrote!). It seems they are all waiting for my absence to make all he wrong decitions (-they did the same thing while I was GETTING MARRIED in Florida!-)... I even started making rehearsalls with the cast at my own home, but... I gave them three more days... I think this time I´m gonna quit for good... and send them to HELL..

  • LIFE.- Since everything about my health recovery are goodies (being walking and strong again, no more dizzyness and sleeping better) plus being in love with someone who´s beside me, holding my hand 24-7 even though he´s 5000 miles away, you can say I´m more than fine!! I even ferosciously started writting again (a play) and that´s a great sign! I also had the surprise of a few old friends who suddenly came up in my life again... people I love and I thought I had lost in the road a long time ago... (one of them found my ssite through Google! HA!)

All right guys!!! time to go back to mi Bubble.-

See ya soon!