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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

28 days (and counting)

oops... sorry, I was supposed to start posting and then suddenly I realized that AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH......

Ok...what are ya looking at?
oh, you gotta be wondering why in gay hell I´ve been screaming like that... well, in exactly 28 days I´ll be taking a plane to Miami, Florida, to get married... NOW YOU SEE???

FIRST STAGE: DOCUMENTS... Today I got the call saying that my new Passport was ready (finally!).
Now I gotta wait until Feb 22nd when I have the appointment at the US Embassy to get my fucking lick ass American VISA.

In the meantime, I´ll be all crazy trying to get all my papers togheter to convince them that I´m not a Cuban and that I won´t stay in USA cleaning bathrooms at some Stadium for 0.30cts./hour.

Actually, and I´m sorry to say this my American Readers, USA is the last place on earth I wanna live as a gay man, I am not moving to America, thank you very much. I´m planning to stay there for a month, then my hubbby will fly down to B A and we will have our Argentinian Union and then, who knows... maybe in ten years you would be able to hear me say "I used to have a farm... in Africa".

Monday, January 30, 2006

I HAD TO post this

Friday, January 27, 2006

My own Fairy Godmother

This practical joke started right after my boyfiend sent me the money to buy my new SUPER-COMPUTER. By then, my entire family was still surprised cuz of several packages that were arriving from Miami with my name on them.

It seems my Boyfriend (now husband to be) has a serious
Multiple Personalities Disorder and one of his "alters" is Ian´s Fairy Godmother.
This gentle lil´lady (Let´s call her Norma [Desmond]) has the particular habit of purchasing enwrapping and sending every object I dared to say "I like" in our conversations.
I know you all will say you wanna borrow Norma for a few days, and you are right, Norma is a blessing (as all my fiance´s other "alters" and the sum of them) but I had to tell her she´s gone too far when I heard my brother Lucas (StupidBrother, he´s 20) told my Mom:
"This is not fair, I needed a new computer more than him, I´M GONNA BECOME GAY AND STUDY ENGLISH!"
or when I heard my two lil´brothers learned how to say "I want a PlayStation2!" in english...
... yes Norma... you should stop doing that.
I love you.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The end of the Zen

First of all I need to apologize about my last bitchy-politically-gay post about the Oscars.
This is NOT a politic blog, so I know you are not coming here to read about politics, and that´s why I wanted to say "I´m sorry".

Since last friday I´ve been living in peace and armony.

The reason?
Mom, Stupid Brother and the Kids went to the beach leaving me alone with my grandma (she´s a real evil witch but I know how to deal with her so evilness doesn´t count) and my Dad (who couldn´t go cuz of his work, he´s a Doll).

Another reason?
There´s nobody in the house yelling (barking) that my music is too loud. OR that my music is horrible. OR that they can hear and they have the same rights (yeah right!) to listen to their own music too.

Another reason?
There´s nobody complaining with the fact that I spend too much time in front of the screen.

No kids screaming, no PlayStation noises, no Stupid Brother trying to get into trouble just to prove how jerk and teaser he could be, no Stupid Brother competing with me in a jealousy rage, no kids fighting with each other...
and the list goes on.

They are coming back tonight... now you know the reason of the title. . .

Friday, January 20, 2006

The Technicolor Oscar

Yesterday, after Sil sent me a note about a post on a fellow site (www.chudas.com.ar) announcing the "Gay Oscar" I went mad.

The articule was talking about the great chances movies like "Brokeback Mountain" or "Transamerica" have to hit the Oscars night according to the number of nominatoions they had to The Golden Globe. (BM won 4)

But my negative reaction to the whole thing was cuz of one comment a reader left saying something like "I´m so happy that hollywood is not discriminating a movie because of its gay content"

Now lemme try to translate part of the comment I left after hers:

"sadly, I am not that convinced that a big number of nominations to a movie like BM is a step forward to a NON-DISCRIMINATION of a movie because of its GAY CONTENT. On the contrary, THEY ARE discriminating.
Two years ago, Hollywood was jumping and cheering when, after 4.000 years, Hale Barry, an african-american (yeah, black) actress won the BEST ACTRESS Oscar. Untill that moment, african-americans seem to have no chance to win, cuz of being BLACK.

Then last year, another unespected (?) moment, at the Oscars several LATINOS were taking the golden dolls home, or you thought the fact that Jorge Drexler, that lil´Uruguayan monkey who calls himself a composer&song writter whose only only talent is putting an entire audience to sleep with his dorky songs has kicked the very Andrew Lloyd Weber´s white ass winning the Oscar to the BEST SONG was casuality?? good luck?? merit?? ....
Untill that moment, LATINOS seem to have no chance to win, cuz being BROWN.

HOLLYWOOD bets are in minorities...

first, there were the african-american (BLACK), then, there were the Latinos (BROWN)... AND NOW THEY´RE KNOCKING AT MY DOOR (PINK GLITTER)

Ian Ivy du Bois"

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I hate kids (But don´t tell anyone)

If you´ve been reading this site then you already know that no matter how cute they could be, I just can´t stand kids.
Thank theLord I already am a father of two (Nikki and Jesse) and they both came to my life when they were already big boys with hairy parts (or so I heard)... and (as I tell everyone), they are the sons never ever had. (or will have).

But you know how (my) life is... it always finds a way to kick your(my) ass and put you (me) in a place where things get real and you (I) gotta fight all your (my) fears and insecurities...

... and here I am again, as I did last year...
Since last friday, I started writting a new play for kids.

yeah, you can laugh...

Sunday, January 15, 2006

I´m possesed....

"I feel pretty... oh so pretty"
I need an Exhorcist!!!
ok, I´ll tell you the whole story now...
It started the other night while Alexis and I were online on Skype and (I can´t remember the reason why I did something that stupid, I mean, I´m doing stupid things all the time but this was, in particular, too much) I made him sing...
But my Linda Blair looks is not because of my fiance´s abilities to sing...oh no... it´s because he started singing that hedious showtune "I feel pretty" from WEST SIDE STORY. And now its like a curse!!! I can´t get that song off my mind!!!I NEED AN EXHORCIST!!!!!!!PLEASE!!!!!!
I´m singing it all the time:
I feel pretty, oh so pretty
I feel prettty and witty and GAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

"Rise of the Machines!"

Oh my godness! you all never knew the apparently endless nightmare my boyfriend and I been through since last weekend.
The whole story started last friday morning when Alexis´home computer (NN) finally cracked down after a few days of agony.
As you may know by now, my boyfriend is living a whole continent away so, no matter how many devices we use to be "in touch" all the time, we still need our computers to do it.
Then, right in the very same moment when A. was pressing his PANIC BUTTON on, Claudio, his "Computer whore" came up to solve all of his problems. (actually, instead of "computer whore" he should be called "computer wizard").
Claudio took NN home and came back the day after with a fixed computer, he installed it in front of A,´s eyes and, after a few advices that were listened very carefully by an all-relaxed Alexis (I saw the whole scene by webcam, eating popcorn) he left setting everything back to normal.

When "normal " means that I am always the one with tech problems.
The very same day (saturday) Claudio fixed NN, AMNERIS I (my computer) who had been in a painfull agony for the last 4 months, started to show signs of severe damage. Then I called Marcelo, My own computer whore, who came home an made a diagnosys: "Ian, Amneris I is fucked up unless we practise a transplant on her"... its coolerr were not working well and also, they were not enough, and the BA summer heat (120ºF) didn´t help her either...
So, we made the transplant and it started working again... for only five more hours. Apparently, the transplant was too late and the new gabinet didn´t help. Amneris I passed to immortality last saturday night.

I cryed and cryed screaming in desperation, I cursed the Angels while eating my nails, and then I cried again and yelled to heaven "why did you had to take herrrrrrr take meeeeeeeh!!!!!"
Then, a thunder came from the sky, it was Alexis trying to calm me down on my cell phone...

"baby... you must think she is in a better world now... no more suffering for her... she must be playing on a cloud with her new friends, other lil´computers who play their lil´harps... you know how computer heaven is..."
Then he said:"ok, I had enough of this, stop wipping you are ruing your make-up!! We´ll find a way to solve this, don´t worry"
The morning after, I got a very juicy "gift certificate" from him via Western Union (oh yes!) and a phonecall from my hero saying "go get the better one, honney"...
He did it... there was no way back... that bitch!... I remember myself all frozen at the phone thinking "Alexis, I´m gonna kill you"... but it was done, and let me tell you, it´s easyer to insert The Pope up your ass than to be against my beloved fiancee if he has an idea stuck into his head...
So I did as he said...
I bought a new SUPER COMPUTER with an awesome high resolution 19´screen and lots of lil´toys... I´ve spent every cent he sent me on this, the greatest present I ever had.
A present that has no name yet, so please, with your comments, include a suggestion, I need your help!!
I love You A. You know it Bitch.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

The Divine Marquis (Opening night)

My dear friends:
Last night it was the Opening Night of "Sade, el divino Marques", a new play about Sade I had the honor of being invited to direct.

I came home last night at 2.00am after living a wonderful time at the show. It was absolutely fantastic.
Sergio Kohan, my friend and favorite writer did a glorious job and took everybody´s breath away playing the Marquis on stage even when I changed the ending of the play like 30 minutes before the curtains raised. (yes, madness).

I´m happy, thank you.

PS. as I told My boyfriend earlyer: "we were all watching with a hard on our pants and tears in our eyes"

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Chronicles of Bornia

Happy new year for you all my dear readers!
I´m sorry it took me a lil´while to finally get this year started on my site. Thanks for all your kind thoughts about my first birthday in the blogosphere (dec 30).

Today, as I told Deanne, I am in "That" mood... I´m a potential murderer. I called "The office" to know if my passport was ready (They said:" don´t worry it will be ready for January 2nd"). Well, today (Jan 3rd) They told me all passports were coming out with a 15 days delay, wich means I hardly get to travel to Florida on time and the idea of having our wedding posponed BECAUSE OF A BUNCH OF ASSHATS THAT COULDN´T DO THEIR WORK ON TIME makes me wanna go there to chew some office worker´s libs while they are still alive and doing some paperwork.

Anyway... Did you see "Chronicles of Narnia" movie already?

If so, and you liked it (Ethan), you will not be comfortable about this post...
If you haven´t and you are still planning to see it, then stop reading here... cuz I´m planning to destroy it..

I assume you all remember my dad´s latest Toy was a huge and very sofisticated Home Theatre he bought not so very long ago. Well that, and the invention of a DVD burner made the members of my family ask themselves if "going to the movies" means "walking around our livingroom".
The other night I bought a Pirate copy of the Chronicles of Narnia DVD and actually it was a very good copy. But the movie mhhhhhhhh.

Yes, it was a beautiful movie...
Yes, the FX and computer animated characters were awesome...
Yes, the story was interesting...

But, C´mon!, a movie that takes like a half hour to begin, can´t be good. By the times that ugly lil´girl enters to the wardrobe for the first time I was kinda sleeping and thinking about anything but the story...
I am a Disney fan freak, but I´m sure that, no matter how good the reviews of Narnia were, This movie was a black spot on their filmography.
It was boring!!
I loved the epic-like action during the combat scenes, and a few of the characters, but another thing I will never forgive is the White Queen look... dreadlocks(??!!) was she Queen of Jamaica????????? ohhh noooo... I swer, everytime she came up I could hear that "no woman no cry" song in my head!!! oh, and the thought: "this girl needs some cock".
I am not the movie review kind of blogger, but I had to write about this!
I don´t know... maybe its because I´m on "that" mood...