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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Sunday, October 30, 2005

I WON I WON I WON!!!!!!!!

YES PEOPLE.... I am Miss Best Costume for 3rd year consecutive! thank you, thank you, thank you!!


Maku is one of my newest angels, she´s the choreographer of the play I´m directing and after working together for so long, we became very close friends.
She has this gift, she is probably the most creative girl I ever met, and when she told me she was having a halloween party on the lil´house she has in the forest I knew it would be a hit!

And it was, no doubt of it. The way she and her hotty husband designed the Horror background on their lil´house was as histerical as scary (I swer I was "this close" to wet my pants when I noticed there was fake blood thrown all over the place and that the walls were "bleeding").

Chandeliers were the only light and there were black candles (!!) on them. In one of their rooms they had a 1920´s funeral ceremony with a huge antique black coffin and more candles! with huge spiderwebs attached. (I´m aracnophobic, thank you very much Maku!)
oh! another detail was the music they played during the first hour while all the guests were arriving. "Copolla´s Dracula Soundtrack".


I was so fucked up at the moment I knew this party had a CONTEST, cuz I love contests and, as all my flawless Costumes (a Louis XVI suit, a Phantom of the Opera huge cape, a complete Pharaoh golden suit, and a few more I´ve been collecting from the plays I´ve been part of) were still at Jerk´s (my ex husbands) appartment and I had to "talk" to him if I wanted to get´em back.

So I wrote him an email but, as usual, he brought up his shit before I could get something good from him.

Jerk´s emails were enough to resign the idea of wearing one of my suits on halloween, But I didnt want to go dreesed up normally with a sign saying "NUDIST ON STRIKE" so I started to get something new.

Mom brought a box with a lot of suits and accesories from my early years in teathre.. there I found a huge white priest robe and a few ropes. I said,,,, "ok, I´ll be a living statue...like the ones I saw on Recoleta Cemetery".

So, I wore the white priest crap, white gloves (loooong ones) white make up, a white casquette on my head and white ropes around my body. It was like an angel without wings, so I aded a white cape with heavy borders (I attached lil´cotton lines to make it look heavyer) and I painted my cane in white. It was looking good!


The other costumes were just terrific, I remember a girl dressed up as SAMARAH from
THE RING who really scared me, and THE CORPSE BRIDE ,MEDUSA, A TWO HEAD GUY and lots of marvalous and scary sons of a bitch. Then we all had to vote in three categories:


After opening the votes- box (it was a lil´coffin) they announced a tie between Mr. LIVING STATUE (mehhhhhhh) and CHUCKY´S GIRLFRIEND (she was awesome!)

So, people had to decide between both of us and it was an aplause definition.

I won, but I gave the bottle of chardonnay I won to Mrs. Chucky (I don´tdrink) and kept the crown and the band ( soooooo gay!) for me!

There was a photographer at the party and I promise to post pictures as soon as i get them (STOP SCREAMING!)




This lines are for my EX:

Sweety, I know you are 40 and I thnk it´s time for you to GET OUT OF YOUR CLOSET and, because I´m such a wonderful person... I´ll do it for you:

Jerk´s REAL NAME is JOSE LUIS NAVARRO, he´s 40 years old(NOT 35), now he´s working as a recepcionist and Public Relationships for ACABAR Restaurant in Palermo Hollywood Buenos Aires and Joyel S.R.L. AND He LOVES Cock!.



Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The passion of the Pumpkin

Hello lovely creatures of the night!
Another Halloween is coming and, as my favorite holyday, I am looking forward to it.
For your knowledge, Halloween started to be popular in Argentina only a few years ago...
before that, no one had ever cellebrated Halloween here.

ok... go get your South American History Books...
did you get them?... ok, open it in page 56 "Southamerican Dictators"

ok, Argentina had been under a few hedious military goverments elected by a few hedious military goverments that elected a few more military goverments that elected...(...) for more time than its people could bare...

During this dark period of our history, all activities related with creativity were censored... freedom of speech was a leyend and all things coming from abroad were forbidden.
This includes music, movies and most of all, foreign traditions.

After all those years hearing that "foreign is BAD", people in this country just shouted the doors to everry little thing that came from abroad thinking stupidly that isolation ment nationalism and they kept doing this with a fake patriotic feeling on their hearts.

So, after all this you can say that an argentinian that cellebrates HALLOWEEN is considered some kind of a sinner... and of course THAT´S ME!!

Now I am on my room trying to think what the fuck I´m gonna wear on saturday night at Maku´s costume ball while my family is in the living room watching that Mel Gibson´s PASSION OF THE CHRIST bullshit my Mom bought on DVD. (I´m hearing all the whips right now!!!..d i s g u s t i n g)

Any costume suggestions? I need to win the 1st place!!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

A post about cock and balls...

The only reason I´m gonna write about this the unconditional LOVE I feel for all of you and, knowing how much you enjoy all the freaky things that happens to me all the time, pissing me off and driving me crazy.

OK, let´s get this started...

Me, “Crotch of fire”
To get the whole thing you gotta remember how I´d been bitching about the spots I get all over my body cuz of the strong medication I´m taking to fight against the symptoms of my illness. Even though the pills have been reduced and most of my skin-spots are gone by now, I was worried about some red lines I still have on my legs. These lines (there are maybe six, not more than that) came up a few months ago and they are darker compared with the other spots I had, making me look like a ZEBRA FROM HELL.

So I did what every strong and mature man would do on this situation... I started crying and desperately called my Mom to show her.

She said: “Crap! They look like stretchmarks but in red!” (yes, like the ones some pegnant women has on their bellys)

Two weeks later (I hate doctors) we went to my dermatologist who, after looking at my legs for fifteen minutes (I think he liked them, I felt I was a can can doll) he said:
“Yes, they are stretchmarks. Apparently, the cortizone effects forced your skin and some of your skin cells just died, that´s why, if you look closer, the skin seems to be torn, these are the red lines you see.”
“Don´t worry, Ian”
“Why, is there something that will make me look like human again instead of a freakin zebra?”
“As a matter of fact there is. All right, this is what you’re gonna do...”

INSTRUCTIONS: Every night, when going to bed, apply this lotion all over the red lines on your legs and let it get into them. Then, in the morning, put this nidrolised collagen and vitamin E body milk all over the zone to help your skin generate new cells (or something like that, I never pay attention...)

What this stupid doctor never said was that the first “lotion” was based on acid.

And what this stupid doctor didn´t know, and unless he became my lover (or get to this site) WILL never know, is that I usually sleep naked - I mean, no underwear.

Yes, THAT THING YOU ARE THINKING OF HAS HAPPENED, and unless I had chosen a giving birth position to sleep, I just couldn´t avoid it...
And, as this lotion acts very slowly, I didn´t realize until the next morning when I woke up and felt this burning pain all over my..uh..balls.


No, I´m not talking about my size you Jerks! This story of the painfull burning balls is not over. Yes, there´s more stuff to –you: laugh/I: cry- about...

That morning I woke up with the burning balls I found out that my nuts were not the only ones affected by this acid bath... guess who else was as red as tomatoe?
Very good!!! That´s so painfully correct... I had burnt my dick too.
But the most hedious thing was not its color, or the hard pain I got every time I had an erection (it happends very often)... it was the way it started to “change” its skin like a fucking snake...
It seems the acid lotion´s effects had worked faster on that area (as its skin is very sensitive and fragile) and, after a week it renueved all my lil´Willy (well, not that little) skin.

And now you can say I am a “new man”... how many of you can say you have a totally new cock at the age of 26????
And believe me, it looks so geourgeous on his new “coat”!!! (no Jon/Alexis/Ted, I won´t post pictures!!! If you wanna take a look, then take your fucking plane to BA!!!)


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Another butt shot for Jon

J.Lo pose!

COMING SOON ON "Welcome to my Soul":
"Me, scrotch of fire"

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Springtime sunrise

*Click on the picture to enlarge.

OH BOY... what a week. As you may noticed, I decided not to reply one by one (as I always do) the comments you have left on the last three posts. Is not that I am not reading you... your words and thoughts (even a song, thank you J.) ment the world for me while I was in the middle of a storm.
Your love made me high as if I was smoking pot. And I have nothing else to say but THANK YOU!.
OK, It was about time to find a way out from my last week´s depression and, as I always did before, I made a phonecall to my work-a-holic department on friday. I was asked to write a parody of "Helen of Troy" for a Festival in San Telmo and I had been delaying the sit&write thing. It´s scary, but I finished the whole draft (with a song included) in just four hours. I was mad. (actually, the script was pretty good, they loved it!).
But the most important thing here is how my ANGELS came running to rescue me from my own hell.
As soon as they knew I wasn´t OK, they started flying around working hard to bring a smile back to my face.
The first one to call was Glorious DINA, who called me in the middle of the night to kick my ass and send me to a shrink (hehehe), then I got emails from Jeff (The newest member of my angels team) my new son Jesse and the wonderfull ALEXIS, who also called me from Miami on saturday. (I love ya A.!).
I started working as an adviser in my friend and favorite writer Sergio Kohan´s new play so, on saturday, I switched to "work-a-holic mode" again and had a wonderfull time on the rehearsalls. (I think this whole thing deserves a post of its own).
Then, Guillo, my hero, picked me up and, after kick my ass, he took me out to dinner and the movies. We saw the marvalous Tim Burton´s CORPSE BRIDE (WOOOOOOOOW, WE LOVED IT!!! I went with no expectations and I got shocked! what a beautifull movie! I didn´t even know it was a musical!).
Then afterwards I spent the night at Guillo´s place wich was amazing cuz the last time I saw my friend in person (we are bitching togheter on line all the time) was on my last year´s birthday party.
-God how I needed that hug!
And last night, I´ve got a new email from yes-u-know-who-u-are giving me the most wonderfull news I had in the last months...God, I swer I won´t fall apart again! (ok. only just a little bit if I had to).
And for all of you... my heart.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Jon wanted to see my ass.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

ok, I´m not a Super-Hero

Oh my Gay God! It is really hard for me to start writting tonight, I´ve been around trying to avoid it but I know after my, as Bees just said, "drama queen post" I had to post something to let you all know I haven´t ripped my wrists with a fork or took off my eyes with a spun..

What had happened?
I suddenly faced my own vulnerability and, lemme tell you guys, this was one of the hardest moments I had ever experienced...

I won´t talk about the fact that made me get trough all this shit cuz, the more I think about it, the more I feel it was insignificant.But it will be enough for you to know it was about "a guy".

Since the very first symptoms of my ilness appeared I went trough all this situation living as if I didn´t care about "my condition". Overwhelmed by my day after day fight against a posible future being tied up to a wheelchair and dealing with my rehab regime, I was very busy to think about failures and weakness, I was very focused in getting new improvements and trying to get my life back. I moved to a rehab clinic, i spent 80 days in that place. I got divorced after a three years relationship with a man who doesnt even worth a month. I have lost my B.A. Downtown apartment. I had to move back to my parents in "suburb hell" and learn again how to "share", even this computer. I lost my voice, so I couldn´t sing again in a properly way, even a stupid lullaby (I´m a singer). I couldn´t control my body coordination (I´m an actor - dancer). And a thousand more things that I wont mention not to sound like a DRAMA QUEEN (eat it, Bees, lol!). And before you start throwing things at me screaming that I went through all this... I know, I´m better now. And I know how wonderfuly foght against all this drama and how worthy was to deal with it.

And after a stupid argue with "a guy" on the phone about fears, I started feeling this opression on my chest and suddenly every little hidden wund started to bleed at the same time. I felt I was grabbed into a deep darkness... and I swer I hadn´t ever been there before.

The "a guy" was terrified about "getting serious"... how serious is that? well...just think this guy had to come to my own neighbourhood,my own house, my own bedroom, and had to try to know who/how I was while my lil brothers were playing soccer outside and my Mother was making us some coffe (cuz I can´t deal with a coffe machine), all that on a "date"... yeah, THAT serious.
Anyway, that is my life nowadays... as pathetic as funny, and I thought I was dealing with it. HELL NO. So suddenly I found out I´m not a super hero with a magical cane, I´m just a fucking human.

oh, I wont allow comments like:

1). ohhh iaannnn u r such an inspiraaaaaaationnnnn (I´m sick of it)
2) .ohh iaaaan you are sooo stronnnggggg (aparently, I´m not DID U READ WHAT I JUST WROTE???)
3). is that you on the picture ??(no, my ass looks better)
4). will u marry meeeeeeee??? (not this week, honney- come back later this month when my PMS is over JUST IN CASE)

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


" This is the moment when the gods expect me
To beg for help but I won't even try
I want nothing in the world but myself to protect me
But I won't lie down, roll over and die..."

Saturday, October 08, 2005


Hello Beautifull Creatures
After several times trying to reset this fucking computer, and before throw it off the window, I´m posting again, this time to talk about one of the Arkham Asylum most wanted woman:

Ok, this story I´m gonna tell started long ago, even before I came to life... yes, it´s hard to admit it, but actually there was a world before me.

When Viky, My Mom, was a little girl, she went to the movies to watch "MELODY" and God knows why, she became kinda obsessed with this dork movie... and went back with her best friend, Lily, to see it again FIVE TIMES(!!!).

The movie is about two stupid little kids who decided to get married against their parents will (ohh the grown people...) and escape from school (catholic, of course) to live their love story (idiots) away from their algebra class (stupider).
this 30 minutes torture is complete if I tell you that the whole soundtrack belongs to BEE GEES (scary uh?)
Yeah right, the point is little Viky was so exited about this silly movie that she could never forget it and (bad for her - good for the rest of humanity) it has never been played in any theatre or tv channel again.

So, after a whole life of listening that "when I was a little girl, I saw a movie about..." story, I decided to start a research and find a copy of this dorky movie. GOD BLESS THE INTERNET!

What I thought it would be just a "quick Google search" to find the perfect birthday present for my Mom became huge worldwide research in any blog, forum, website and comment box I could find, related to classic 70´s movies or the Bee Gees.

Believe it or not, there is no officially released DVD or VHS and, after searching for a year, I had only found fans who owned copies but they were not for sale
(the hell with´em)

Until August this year, I found a guy from Uruguay, Atilio, ovbiously gay, member of some Bee Gee´s fan club who actually owned a copy of Melody (1971) wich he has bought about two years ago in BUENOS AIRES!!!!

He went running to his his living room where he has that tape and gave me all the distribution company data. While he was giving me the info I called this guys from Movie Express Ltd.(the company) and they told me even though they had the rights of this movie, they hadn´t had any copy for sale. (shit! I was so close!).
I don´t know how desperate I could sound on the phone but this guy gave me a link to another guy in the company and, out of the record, he told me this new guy had several copies of each movie this company owned so, if there was a tape of MELODY, this guy had it.

So I called this Julio guy and told him the whole story. He sounded very kind and gentle and, I must confess, if he had been in front of me I´m sure I would´ve tried to seduce him (just to get that tape... yup, I´m a whore).
After a few minutes of this kind chat he asked me to be on hold for a moment. When he returned he said: " hey Ian, I have a copy of Melody 1971 in my hands right now, it is out of stock but I was sure there was a copy on the archives... please tell me where do you want me to send it" (EUREKAAAAAAAAA!)

SO, after a year, I finally had the greatest present ever for Mom´s birthday. She was crazy about it, I think I have no words to express what I saw on her eyes while she unrapped her present and recognized the name of the tape... maybe a 15 years old lil´girl could explain it better than me.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

R.I.P. (Wake me up before you go-go)

It is my sad duty to inform you that Eva Peron, spiritual leader of the nation, entered immortality at 8:25 this evening.

No, wait... the one that passed away this evening is Amneris I, my fucking computer.

She has been a little ill lately and nobody could find the cure, so... tonight I´m typing the hedious "FORMAT C:" command. and everything will start again.

I´m feeling like Doctor Frankenstein. "Life will find a way"

Wish me luck.

oh, and please, pray for her soul.

Saturday, October 01, 2005


Dear Gabriel,
I know you probbably don´t remember me (or you don´t want to). Its Ian, yeah, Ian from highschool, the one you used to date, do you remember now? Yes, that one, the one you broke his heart.
The last thing I´ve heard from you is that you were starting a hitch-hike ride to Peru, always that passionate and ready-to-challenge, uh?.
I just wanted to tell you I´ve never forgotten you, I never could, your face always came up as a warning sign every time I met someone new...can you believe it?
Yes, the wunds has never healed, and maybe being that hurted helped me to learn how to face my own challenges in life, made me strong to accept who I was and how to deal with my own insecurities.
We were so young, we played with fire, you threw me into it and I got burned, ok.
I told you once that I had forgiven you, I wasn´t lying... but I lied when I said I would never think of you again. I am not a living-in-the-past kind of guy, but your eyes are always there saying: Ian, be carefull.
If you are in town... give me a call, I think it´s about time to be face to face again and...who knows, maybe find out there are no regrets after all.

Dear Loui,
Please don´t run, yes it´s me.
I know it´s been a while, how old are you now?. No matter how much, you are still a kid, don´t you?
I don´t know where to start. I just wanted to know if you are doing well. I wish you were, and I just hope all the shit I put you through is now just a bad memory from the past.
The last time we´ve seen each other I said I was sorry, I am.
Will you ever forgive me, baby?... I swer I´m still feeling guilty for making you suffer like that, but, believe me, I never lied, I just couldn´t feel what I wasn´t feeling.
I know I am “the bad guy” on your movie... but trust me, I´m not the enemy.
I´d love to hug you again, but I´m affraid you are not interested, and it´s ok. We just can´t be friends or anything less.
I just pray for your happiness.
I love you.

Dear Augusto,
HA! Hello sweetheart! Since the moment we first met, that summer night, I felt there aren´t enough words to describe our “thing”. You inserted me into a world of wonders where everything is possible. You were my first husband, my fist time when I thought about “everafter”, you are the love of my life, and the owner of a piece of my heart.
Nobody ever understood our “thing” as nobody ever understood how can we possibly still love each other after all this time.
The other day, Alexis, a friend, asked me who would I hug if I knew the end of the world was coming, silly uh?, well, I just couldn´t think about anyone else but you.
I love you with all my heart,
PS.- I´m calling you tomorrow night.

Dear Santiago,
My brother´s friend, Hahahaha what crazy starts, crazier ends, right?
How are you? You won´t believe how many times Lucas (my brother) and I talked about you lately... what the hell life has done to you?? We´ve never heard from you in years!
It will be great to get the three of us togheter again to laugh about the time when you came home to “visit my brother” and secreately dropped notes and letters on my bedroom.
I miss your laugh and your sick sense of humor, I wish you were here to laugh like hyenas about all the crazy thingss I´ve done at the rehab center.
Please call, bitch! I need to laugh.
Love always