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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

ok, I´m not a Super-Hero


Oh my Gay God! It is really hard for me to start writting tonight, I´ve been around trying to avoid it but I know after my, as Bees just said, "drama queen post" I had to post something to let you all know I haven´t ripped my wrists with a fork or took off my eyes with a spun..

What had happened?
I suddenly faced my own vulnerability and, lemme tell you guys, this was one of the hardest moments I had ever experienced...

I won´t talk about the fact that made me get trough all this shit cuz, the more I think about it, the more I feel it was insignificant.But it will be enough for you to know it was about "a guy".

Since the very first symptoms of my ilness appeared I went trough all this situation living as if I didn´t care about "my condition". Overwhelmed by my day after day fight against a posible future being tied up to a wheelchair and dealing with my rehab regime, I was very busy to think about failures and weakness, I was very focused in getting new improvements and trying to get my life back. I moved to a rehab clinic, i spent 80 days in that place. I got divorced after a three years relationship with a man who doesnt even worth a month. I have lost my B.A. Downtown apartment. I had to move back to my parents in "suburb hell" and learn again how to "share", even this computer. I lost my voice, so I couldn´t sing again in a properly way, even a stupid lullaby (I´m a singer). I couldn´t control my body coordination (I´m an actor - dancer). And a thousand more things that I wont mention not to sound like a DRAMA QUEEN (eat it, Bees, lol!). And before you start throwing things at me screaming that I went through all this... I know, I´m better now. And I know how wonderfuly foght against all this drama and how worthy was to deal with it.
The fact is: SINCE ALL OF THIS HAS STARTED, I HAVE NEVER CRIED A SINGLE TEAR. NONE.

And after a stupid argue with "a guy" on the phone about fears, I started feeling this opression on my chest and suddenly every little hidden wund started to bleed at the same time. I felt I was grabbed into a deep darkness... and I swer I hadn´t ever been there before.

The "a guy" was terrified about "getting serious"... how serious is that? well...just think this guy had to come to my own neighbourhood,my own house, my own bedroom, and had to try to know who/how I was while my lil brothers were playing soccer outside and my Mother was making us some coffe (cuz I can´t deal with a coffe machine), all that on a "date"... yeah, THAT serious.
Anyway, that is my life nowadays... as pathetic as funny, and I thought I was dealing with it. HELL NO. So suddenly I found out I´m not a super hero with a magical cane, I´m just a fucking human.

oh, I wont allow comments like:

1). ohhh iaannnn u r such an inspiraaaaaaationnnnn (I´m sick of it)
2) .ohh iaaaan you are sooo stronnnggggg (aparently, I´m not DID U READ WHAT I JUST WROTE???)
3). is that you on the picture ??(no, my ass looks better)
4). will u marry meeeeeeee??? (not this week, honney- come back later this month when my PMS is over JUST IN CASE)
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