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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A new explanation to my last month Depression


As most of you migth remember, last month I got through the darkest period since my illness started. Several things were blowing up on my face, two trips had to be cancelled because of my health problems and I was tided up to a very invasive and painfull treatment that forced me to stay in-doors for more than I could stand.

And yeah, it happenned, Depression got me and I thought I couldn´t survive...

Oh yes, you think... with all that crap I would be depressed too...

HELL NO!

After a conversation I had yesterday with a doctor, guess what? it seems "depression" is just another "side effect" of the treatment I am getting.
The drug my treatment is based, acts as an Inmune Supressor, this means it causes a "depression" of the Inmune System. This, applyed in the high dosage I´m taking every month, may cause Insomnia, panic attacks, phobia and Anxhiety Disorders (AND depression!)

C´MON!! LET´S LAUGH TOGETHER!!!

Prozac anyone?

Monday, August 28, 2006

Weekend shots




Still sleepy... as you may notice, the big news is that my face id going back to "normal", the "inflation"caused by the Cortizone side-effects is slowly dissapearing. WHEEEEEEEEEEEE



We went to Vicente Lopez, a lil recreation square by the river, it was nice and warm (first signs of a happy spring up to come...




















Fooling around with my lil´brother´s soccer ball.











Ready to join the Gay Handicapped League
















Mom´s lil´Monster, Bodoke, "The Uglyest Dog on Earth"

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

WICKED - Raise of the gay witches

WICKED "Long before Dorothy dropped in, two other girls meet in the Land of Oz. One, born with emerald-green skin, is smart, fiery and misunderstood. The other is beautiful, ambitious and very popular. How these two unlikely friends end up as the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda the Good Witch makes for the most spellbinding new Musical in years."

That´s what the official synopsis says, but there is another story behind this wonderful musical that´s untold, and that´d be the huge impact this show has on the new generations of gays all over the world.
What I´m saying:

The Legion of "Friends of Dorothy" belongs to the past now, and all those Judy Garland tapes are long forgotten in a dusty corner by a whole generation of Britneys wannabes.

Doroty is dead, so does Velma Kelly and Roxy Heart... now we have Elphy (Elpheba, The young Wicked Witch of the West) and Galinda (Glinda, a Mattel version of The Good Witch)


Here I brought some examples for you... (thanks youtube!)


First, for the ones who are not familiar with this musical, here´s a performnce of Wicked at the Tony Awards 2003 (it´s not Idina Menzel´s -Elpheba- best performance, but the video quaility is great).
Enjoy!



And now:


THE SHOWTUNE-QUEEN WITCHES FREAK SHOW CONTEST begins!


Our first contestant: Fat boy.

His voice is not thaaaaaaat bad, but if he keeps chosing female roles to sing, he will end up with a cheap wig, high heals, a purse and a tight tshirt saying: "Britney, I love you. Britney"




Here Fat Boy strikes back, this time featuring Outta The Tune Fat Girl. This time you can really apreciate the huge Glinda Wannabe Disorder (GWD) this poor boy has.



Our Next Contestant: I-Think-I-Am-Great-But-I-Sound-Like-An-Hybrid-Between-Jon-Secada-And-A-Sheep Johnny

This is an Elpheba Ricky Martin Wannabe... SIGH!



And now, my favorite: Cutie
Cutie has a great voice and even though he missed a few notes, he´s not bad at all... what really worries me is this umh, trend(?) all new singers come up with, that hedious and forced vibrato... why???????




Sad, isn´t it?

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Marc The__Gay_Dude*, died today. May he find relief from pain.

"Marc passed away at exactly 2:45 this afternoon.He was conscious -smiling- and brave."

The following is an extract of a post Joshua, his brother, shared with us this morning, before he died


A lot has happened over the past week. Marc jokes that he feels like a car engine - where you unscrew the oil cap and dump oil into it. It's a good analogy as they are constantly dumping food into his feeding tube. And it speaks of how dehumanized my Brother feels.

I sat and stared at my little Brother - watching him fight his disconnection from the world. He played on his laptop; listening to music - checking out blogs; and all that kind of stuff. It made me realize that the net has been the one thing which has kept him feeling connected with the world. It's ironic that something so impersonal - became personal for him.

I'd imagine that there are a lot of sick people - who do the same thing he does.

At any rate, Marc and I shared our affections and we said, "goodbye" to each other. He's slowly fading into a comatose state - and will eventually be there, permanently until he passes away.

I don't want him to fight, anymore - because it has become a quality of life, issue.

My Brother is a victim of too many 'complicated' health problems - 'dominoing' into one big mess. His kidney is failing from the weight loss. His body hasn't recovered from the colostomy. He's never regained his strength from chemo - and he's still losing weight. He's going into shock - and it's too many conditions compromising his well-being.

I want to add that in most ways - I feel lucky. Because quite often - in life - one dies suddenly or they don't tell you they're sick and; then one day they're dead. In situations like this - we're left saying, "goodbye" simply by having conversations with ourselves. But with Marc - I was able to tell him what he really means to me. :)

Oh, and Marc is at home - where he wants to be - with me :) Marc has courageously accepted his fate; and his last words to me, today; were: "I'm going to greet death with a smile."

Let's all smile with him :)


* Marc was a fellow blogger who used to visit this blog (I´m sure you remember the comments he left here from time to time). A few days ago he invited me to join a Group Blog called "Gay Men Rule", where several blogfriends were getting all together, a new way (for me) of expression.
Marc was a fighter. And though we were not close friends, I´ll miss him.

Candle lights on your way, buddy, I know wherever you are now, you are felling better... and smiling.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

EUREKA!!!!!!!

Monday, August 14, 2006

chemotherapy

It happened, after three wonderful months of a "nice" treatment with almost none side-effects, the third application of the drug attacked my liver, giving me a hard time for the last five days.

I had to stay in bed from saturday morning till wednesday, then I decided to stay up even though my entire body ached and the room started spinning everytime I closed my eyes.

Now I´m feeling a lil´bit better, if it wasn´t for this fucking cold I got from nowhere (remember my Inmune System is like a joke everytime they insert this drug into my veins) and this Fran Dreshered tone in my voice (haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Mr Sheefielddddddddddddd) I would be the same Cutie (yeah right) I´ve always been.

Plus the whole sickness, Elektra, my Super Computer, decided to break down and went to Service twice in a week... I was desperate... you know this is the only window to the real world...

But, as I told Alexis, we will be fine...
He says it´s just a matter of time...

I just want to be happy...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Outta TheBubble, Into The Gym


Standing Ovation please!

Yesterday morning The Handicapped Bitch started Gym again (No, not to get a hidden camera in the locker room!).

After a very rugh week when depression reigned and desperation ruled, after crying lots of useless and stupid tears When I thought I couldn´t see an ending for all this crap (I still can´t, but at least I´m not crying) and after finally getting some sleep (remember I´ve been suffering from Insomnia for the last two weeks) I tried my Jogging pants on, my Hairspray and raaaaaaadiooooooooo and I was ready to gooooooooooo... (God I must stop listening to Showtunes!)

Today at 4.30pm I have an appointment with my neurologist... Let´s see what he has to say...

FOR THE RECORD: This new tone of Blonde I´ve dyed my hair with yesterday night really sucks, remind me to kill the colorist.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


This picture was not staged, this is the way I sleep every night (when I ever get to sleep).
The other night Mom walked into my room and found me hugging my Dinosaur and talking with my husband on Skype (you can see the Headset and microphone in the pic). Then I asked Mom to take a picture to show my dinosaur to Alexis...


Ian_ Mom is taking a picture of me sleeping with a Dinosaur...
Alexis_ Are you REALLY sleeping with Dinosaur???
Ian_ Yes... cuz I miss you so much...
Alexis: Bitch! I knew something like that was coming...
Ian_ I love you...
Alexis: Grrrrr... I love you too.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

SUPER IMAX EXPERIENCE



After several years of planning, and thanks to Showcenter Complex (and, of course, their 8.2 million dollars invest) in late April 2006, Buenos Aires finally welcomed the amazing 3D IMAX Theater becoming the SECOND CITY in South America with this kind of entertaintment high technology. (The first one was Guayaquil, Ecuador)

Even though I had invitations to its opening (as I told Alexis once, I still don´t understand why PRs are still sending them... I got sick, I got divorced, I moved outta that appartment and I haven´t been able to attend to any event in almost two years... but invitations kept arriving to my former post address) I didn´t have the chance to go... and the whole "let´s brake the Bubble" thing seemed to be the perfect excuse to jump on my Wheelchair and allow my parents to push it through the Showcenter Norte ailes.


They were playing SUPERMAN RETURNS in 3D!

I was the only member of the family who had already seen it but I didn´t mind to see such a wonderful movie again...IN IMAX!!!

IN 3D!!!


The SUPERGIRL WANNABE is Mom, in this picture performing her rendition of "I Believe I Can Fly"



With Mom & Dad... inside the Theatre domo.

somebody please tell me, why in gay hell the only one who looks like a weirdo in those Imax glasses is me????

ok, I know, Mom looks like she just jumped off her Scooter and Dad as if he had forgotten his snorquel... but me....

suggestions are welcome...

Friday, August 04, 2006

Lestat Impersonator... (well... at least I´m not doing a LIZA drag act!!)


Unreleased Alejandra Kalnisky´s shot.


Ok, say whatever you want, maybe I´m not on the "let´s make a wonderful post" mood... but I just LOVE this picture, it´s one of my favorites and I always wondered why it didn´t make it to the final exhibition.

I just wanted to share it with you.

To see the whole series go to : IAN BY ALEJANDRA KALNISKY

To read about the Photo Session at Kalnisky´s studio and to see backtage pictures click HERE.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

BREAKING THE BUBBLE -.




AIDA
I know expectations are wild and almost
Beyond my fulfillment but they won't hear
A word of a doubt or see signs of weakness
My nigh on impossible duty is clear
If I can rekindle my ancestors' dreams
It's enough
It's enough


As I told you two posts ago (before the ticket madness began) I got through a very rough week.

Depression, insomnia, panic attacks and all sort of disorders were reigning my days (mostly my nights). You know, maybe, after almost three months of being locked up in my room (because of my treatment) I just fell down... and I got hurted.
Suddenly, I realised that no matter how much I tried to avoid the fact that the world out there was still spinning, the world out there WAS ACTUALLY STILL SPINNING and I was not being part of it...

My projects, my hopes... one by one were getting stucked inside "The Bubble" and there was nothing I could do to stop that hedious feeling of emptyness in my soul... my people (my Angels) were there with me, and they did their best to keep me up and held me while facing the abysm... but it was not enough, I fell..

_ My trip plans to see my husband are gone (July was more than a myth then and just the thougth of going to Fl in september sounds hilarious now)

_ The treatment improvements seem to have stopped, I dunno if it´s related with the whole anxhiety thing, or it´s just a stage of my recovery but, suddenly, I´m not feeling very stable anymore and I fell down (literally) several times, bruises everywhere.

_ I resigned the direction of one of my plays ("Sade, The Divine Marquis") I just stopped calling the crew to ask how everything was, or requesting reports about the play´s development... they just understood.

_ I started to feel physical pain about being in doors... missing my people, my love, my life...

AND I SAID ENOUGH.

THE PLANN:

Screw the doctors!, I decided to go out. If I´m gonna die it will be cuz I got infected by some stupid virus my Inmune System could not fight against and NOT BECAUSE I AM DEPRESSED!.

I will continue this treatment, even though it´s slowing my Inmune System down, but I refuse to stay home, locked up in my room while my days are being wasted one after the other... NO MORE BUBBLE.

Yes, I´ve been dealing with it, I´ve been writting, doing a lot of things to keep myself bussy... but how many plays could you write? how many sites could you design? how many songs could you compose? how many posts could you publish? before hitting your head against a wall??

ENOUGH.

SO, on sunday night I went to my friend Maku´s birthday party.

On Monday night: I gave my kids a surprise visit to their rehearsall (The musical play I´m directing) and shared with them a wonderful time, nobody noticed that now, I was walking with my mother´s assistance.

On Tuesday night (pictures below)I took my kids to the recording studio to work on the songs I wrote for the play, for most of them it was the first time they stepped on a Real Studio and to be there working in every detail was a magnificent experience! I even did a backup voice myself!!!!!

Tomorrow (wed) I´m planning to start the Gym again... just a very light rutine...

The plan is to keep myself bussy... out there.

NO MORE BUBBLE!

IT´S ENOUGH!




My kids at the Recording Studio: (L to R) Chechu, Me, Victor, Vanesa K, Marian (in the back) and Miri


The Bitch in Action! (switched to CONTROL-FREAK MODE)

Cute Victor on his first take. (his smile was erased after the fourth hour under my will)