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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Saturday, July 30, 2005

HANDICAP DANCE HITS THE DANCEFLOOR AGAIN!

.........................................................................................
Just after notice this balls spinning, you know I´m happy, right?
Well, I am, not only because as you may thought, I danced (with my cane on) again but also ´cause last night I had so much love around me (no, not that kind of love you bitch!... no! it WAS NOT a threesome!) that I just can´t take this stupid smile off my face. (no!, sweety, this is not sex related... NO, I HADN´T HAD SEX LAST NIGHT!)

It was my uncle´s birthday ( yes, another uncle) and he invited my whole family to his party... I was like "a party?? c´mon! he´s going to be 44 years old, why the hell that huge party?" and as a oh-please-no-more-relatives! person that I am, I wasn´t that looking forward to go... actually I already had arranged a dinner with the whole cast of my play for that night.
Then my Dad (brother of the party guy) insisted with phrases like: "how can you do this to your uncle", "he(my uncle) specially asked me to take you there", "Ian, he´s renting a whole place to do that party", "the entire family wants to see you" and, of course, his best drama queen pleaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeee face... (the one he used every time he saw a Rotweiller puppy on a pet shop, before we bought him one on his birthday) so what the hell, I went to that fucking party.
And then I had to eat all my stupid pre-judgements, my arrogance, my cracked up feelings and my bitcheness...
By the time we entered the place, my uncle started screaming wildly: WAITER WAITER!!! (I was like: "ok, he finally went nuts")
uncle: waiter!!!... fuck! he´s not coming...
Ian: ... (I wanna go home!)
uncle: we need some service here!
Ian: ... (I wanna go home!)
uncle: Ian, you just arrived, would you help me calling the waiter?
Ian: WHAT?? ( I wanna go home!)
And then I saw him... Diego, my eldest cousin, who moved to Barcelona (Spain) two and a half year ago, one of the guys I love the most in this planet, my favorite cousing since chilhood, was coming out from the restaurant kitchen, all dress in white, holding a plate and bringing me that marvalous smile I´ve been missing so much since he left Argentina
He had arrive to BA. just a few hours earlier and it was his first visit since he moved out.
I´m still feeling the warmth of that endless hug he gave me... then he whispered to my ear: "Ian, you have no idea of how much means to me to see you standing up again" (He knew every detailñ about my ilness but, he had never seen me ill)
If I´m wipping now that I´m writting about it, just imagine how I started to cry then.
The party, besides my uncle´s b-day, was a surprise he and cousing Diego organized secretly when they knew Diego was coming (not even his parents knew he was coming).
We talkedd a lot, he´s doing great on abroad and I found him really happy ( and fat!!!)-
So... I loved to finally have him with me again, and as u may thought, I enjoyed every minute of this party, even the "dancing" part.
What if I haven´t been there?... so the lesson of the week should be:
IF DADDY HAS "THE FACE", YOU BETTER FOLLOW HIM"
I´m so happy!
DIEGO, I LOVE YOU.
Ian.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

"I´m Mr.Brutal and Seductive, like stealing a kiss from a straight guy"

Hello Beauties!!
Im sorry it took me this long to post again but, I´ve been sick since last week... and before my dear Jeff say it...YES, IT WAS MY FAULT.
Last saturday I went to my uncle´s 82nd b-day party ( happily oooold!) and there were lots of wonderfull and delicious deserts I just could not resist... (and it seems my liver couldn´t either) So I´ve been throwing up chocolates and candy shit for the last 4 days.
When I told Jeff the other night he said:"What are you, ten?" he was right, but I rerplied:"they were delicious anyway". So... I´m a fucking candyholic---SUE ME!

During this short stay in tea and 4 cookies, pain on my stomach, unrealeased flatulences (more pain) world of desperation, I found something that took me by surprise and certainly made my days.
UOMOS.COM a huge Latin American gay community that I love and where I have wonderful friends has chosen this blog (yes MY blog) between all Latin Americans gay bloggers to be part of their main page.
My story with UOMOS started last year when I released my novel and they published an awesome article with an full interview included (I felt I was Madonna). Later, Mr. Paul Caballero (chief editor) offered me to write a column on UOMOS.COM ARGENTINA but then my illes became worse and I couldn´t accept.
In the meantime, Paul and I became really close friends (he even invited me to his wedding) and introduce me two of my new ANGELS: his thousand-dollar-smile husband Gregorio and the glorious Dina.
Paul was the one on the phone that was writting for me the letter I published on my novel´s site (chapters were posted every 7 days) telling all my readers that I couldn´t move my hands properly anymore so it was imposible for me to continue writting...
Then, I receive another gift from UOMOS: a very heartfull article explaining why my novel was canceled and wishing me the best thoughts on my recovery.
The last time I saw Paul was during a play I worked at as an Art Designer (while my days between rehab, remember that?) and never knew from him and UOMOS again since then. I didn´t even knew he was reading this blog.
AND NOW THIS:

.

I´M SO HONORED.. THANK YOU UOMOS (and Paul!)
and watch this: the review of my site says:"Brutal and Seductive, like stealing a kiss from a straight guy". ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I loved it!!!! It´s quite better than "a very fuckable courtesane"
Now lemme ask you this...
how would you rate my site using a short phrase like the ones above?

NOTE TO THE FOLLOWING READERS: Mikevil, Ms.Bees Knees, Deanne, Silvana, Alexis, Knottyboy, Serra and Tish

Bitches, I know what you are thinking but NO, I HAVEN´T SLEPT WITH THE EDITORS TO GET THAT!!!!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

a gitf from my favorite UK Bitch...Deanne

Hello folks.. I´m writting my next post right now.... sorry it´s taking me this long to post again.
In the meantime, you can laugh about this post from Deanne. (I love that Bitch).
See ya soon!love!
Ian.-

Thursday, July 21, 2005

JOIN THE HANDICAP DANCE!!!!!!

This is what you have to do. Turn off your computer. Go to bar. Drink for several hours. Make out with some hot guy. Go home. Drink plenty of water so you don't have a hangover. Go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day!
Sweet
Ted, from Diary of a Sane Man.


.... Hello my friends, first I want to thank all the comments, emails and calls I got about FRIEND´S DAY, I loved them! It feels so great to know I´m sorrounded by such wonderful people, I´m so happy to know you are around. Thanks. (people... you are making me start all my posts like this... STOP BEING NICE WITH ME!!! HEHEHEHE.)

Well, it was FRIEND´S DAY and, of course, we had FRIEND´S NIGHT afterwards (duh!) when "friends" were supossed to hang out all togheter...(parties, bars, discos and pubs).

As I told you on my last post, I´m not a FRIEND´S DAY guy, cause I think we should celebrate friendship every single day of our lives but, after I got married I adopted a few of my former husband´s traditions: He used to celebrate parties with his friends on this date every year, and as a couple we were, we went togheter to all those meetings. But this year FRIEND´S DAY found me all alone again , thinking about what the hell I was gonna do ( and, of course, with no desire of going to any party no matter how much they insisted or how much I loved them).

You know how hard is to separate friends after divorce, I know that if someone is "taking a side" is because his friendship is not worthy... but after 3 years of marriage, I can´t say I won´t miss them and their wakko meetings. I have my ANGELS and BITCHES with me and life is brighter if they´re nearby.

So...2005 FRIEND´S NIGHT came, and its meeting invitations too...

A few dancer-girls from the cast of my play were going to a suburb pub I had no idea that even existed, they asked me to join them and, after a few hours with TED´s comment spinning around my head, I called them back to say YES, I´M COMING

So Miry (the play´s producer and co-writter) picked me up on a car that night and we went to join the girls at the pub.

Once being there and after ordering our drinks (just coke for me...fucking medication!) I found out that it was karake night (!!!) and I said to myself "ohhhh great, now that I can´t sing even a fool lullaby" ( you know, even though I´m improving a lot with my voice, I´m not ready to sing in public at all!) but then I said "what the hell", and had a great time listening to others fooling themselves (and a guy with a wonderfull voice, if only he would have been cute! but not... ).

Then afterward, music started to make everything better. My girls were so funny (and drunk!) that I just couldn´t stop laughing during the whole nigh. But the greatest, crazyest, funniest thing happened when they took off all tables and chairs to start dancing.

So this was the picture:.

A little suburb pub, full of people drinking and having fun, until a bunch of drunken girls hitted the dancefloor ( where the tables were before) dancing wild and screaming like lunatics, with them, a guy using a walking cane, who after hearing Gwen Stefani´s "Rich Girl Mix" stood up from his chair and started dancing (ok, moving his butt as far as he could) that nanaananana song with his cane on.

Yes, I tried dancing, it was hilarious, try to imagine me trying to goooo with ther flowwwwww without falling down. We stayed there untill 3 am.

I´m happy I did it... THANKS TED!! (I promise that the "alcohol and making out with hot guys" thing will be on my next night out...SOON I HOPE)

ANNOUCEMENT: A NEW ANGEL HAS ENTERED TO MY LIFE

well actually he entered a few month ago, but tonight I could hear his voice. A few minutes earlier, ALEXIS, the GREAT Mrs. Astor, called me from Miami. We were on the phone for an hour and, I think, there are not enough words to express how happy and lucky I´m feeling... He says I sound like Danielle Steelle when I speak like this... maybe he´s right.

Thank you ALEXIS... you already own a piece of my heart, I love you. (Alexis...wait... THAT´S NOT MY HEART U BITCH! let it gooooo!!... ok, you can own that too.-hehehehehe)

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

FRIEND´S DAY

I dunno if this happends in the rest of the world but here in Argentina today we are celebrating FRIEND´S DAY.

FRIEND´S DAY is, like Valentine´s day, nothing more than a commertial date when all stores are full of people running and smashing themselves trying to get gifts and cards to be given to all their friends as some kind of recognition (?) to their friendship.
In my case, I like to think that everyday is a friend´s day... I celebrate friendship every single day of my life. Not with a silly hallmark card, (I love them) or a gift( I love them too!) but hugging them and keeping them close to my heart, saying I love you bitch! or kicking their asses to show them I can move my legs again.
..My friends are ANGELS, you all are used to read that in here, they are my strenght, the light through my darkness, the sugar in my coffe... they are everything.
I wont post that eternal sad song about my rehab days again, you already herd it before on this blog but, thinking about it, what if I had been alone then? what if they hadn´t been there to hold my hand?....
.
I don´t know if this is a special day or not but, even though I haven´t bought any present... to say that I love you (you know who you are...no, I won´t say names you bunch of jealous bitches!) is never out of place.
I LOVE YOU ANGELS!!! (No, I´m not fucking Charlie)
Ian.-
TO MY READERS: you see??? this is the only way I found to avoid getting shooted for not buying them a present.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

My dear HALOSCAN


I know you´ve been working for us, I know you said in reply to my complaints that it was for the best, that I had to be patient and that all those "little problems" were just "for the moment"... but you ATE MY COMMENTS... AND I JUST CAN´T FORGIVE THAT.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Opening Memories...from nightmare hell to paradise heaven in less than 24 hours

I know you´ve been waiting for me to write this... if you haven´t, I know you will enjoy it anyway...

08.10am- I woke up (another unkilled erection... God in heaven, send me a boyfriend - morning prayer)

08.25- first look at the mirror (holly crap!, fucking cortizone pills!! I´m so freakin inflated!!! i look like a frog this morning - Alexis, don´t clap!- I decided not to watch a mirror again in the whole day)
08.35am- hot shower (morning pleasure, my mind is lost between new ideas for a possible script)
9.00am- Who the fuck is knocking the door??? oh shit not now! NOT TODAY!!!! DAMMIT! (surprise! unespected visitors from abroad - fucking causins)
9.30am- breakfast with cousins ("we came to BA to buy some stuff for our daughter´s party, we´ll stay here untill sunday afternoon..."- God in heaven, forget the boyfriend request...JUST STOP FUCKING WITH ME!!)
10.30am- time to call Maria, I needed a laugh! (thank you girl!)
10.45am-music brake (god in heaven, thank you for p2p music download systems - oh! Deanne is online...and bored!)
11.30am- still chatting with Deanne and a new "male contact" taken from Gaydar... blog reads (Alexis... that spider thing is still freaking me out! - G.D. U R so sweet,girl!- Jesse, Lovely pics - Tish, I can´t stop laughing...would u ever stop buying? - knotyboy: ewwwww! - etc, ec, etc)... Mr.New Contact is reading now about my ilness on this blog (Presentation Card)
00.00pm- writting emails (Alexis, u were first in line, thanks for your warm words, your heart must be as big as the Empire State... wait...that´s not your heart...;) )
01.30pm- lunch time (yeah, with cousins...God in heaven... nevermind)
2.00pm- back in www (Deanne is still bored...)
2.45pm- getting ready (FUCK IT´S LATE! I´m supossed to be at the theatre by now!)
3.15pm- arriving to theatre - sound checking...(God in heaven, please, make everything work!! - what?? that I should be a better person yet??? oh..SHUT UP!)
4.30pm- door opening (still wondering how in gay hell I ended up directing a musical for kids I HATE kids!!..
4.35pm- wow... I mean WOW the queue is longer than I thought!!! (God in heaven, bless the kids! and get me a single dad for me! what? oh, that again...better person u said? fuck!)
4.50pm- FULL HOUSE!!! WE´VE GOT A FULL HOUSE!!! (I love kids!)
5.00pm- lights off... my heart is going to blow up! (we´re finally here... my music is on stage an I just can´t believe it, i have always been very quiet while I´m working.. I remember when I was performing that all my partners used to run from one side to another totally freaked out during the five minutes before a show opening... and now, if I could run... I definetely would! even with my cane!)
5.30pm- everything is going well (people laughed at every gag, kids just loved the characters and WOW musical numbers are just geourgeous! God in heaven, bless the choreographer)
6.15pm- final applause- STANDING UP OVATION!!!!! SUCCESS!!! (are this tears???.. Curfews!!!! anyone???)
6.45pm- cheering with the cast, they were terrific on stage! (evaluation chat with them, sharing thougths, fears, feelings and most of all HAPPYNESS!)
8.00pm- back at home (yes, my cousings are still here...)
8.30pm- Im looking at the mirror again... still looking like a frog... ohh what the hell THAT MUST BE THE HAPPIEST FROG ON EARTH!!! (And so good looking! God in heaven...remember me?...yes, that one...what? a better person?? FUCK YOU! and don´t forget to get me a boyfriend!!!... hello?... hello?!... dead line? grrrr fucking cell phones!)

Sunday, July 10, 2005

UPDATED!!! - EVITA PERON "La Santa Peronista" (the consequences of an overfeeded EGO)

NOTE:
The facts I´m going to post about here are real, documented and... it´s one of the most curious events in our history (and trust me, we´ve got so many!) so please, no matter how crazy, ridiculous, unthinkable or bizarre it sounds... just make an effort and keep reading... and above all this...TRY TO BELIEVE IT!



hello people! it´s been a long time since I wanted to write about this but, it´s so damned crazy that I actually needed something to prove it and, fortunately, Guillermo ( my Computers-new-technologies-fan-freak friend) sent me the marvalous Google Earth (woooooooowwwwwww!) and then, I finally got my exibits.

I assume you all recognize her:


Yes, even before Madonna decided to start a singing carrer, every time a regular foreign guy had heard "Argentina" he would had probably think about two things: TANGO and EVITA.

EVA PERON, Her name, her legacy (?) and most of all, her image had survived through the years around the world. Just as she wanted it to be.
Now if anyone of you don´t know about her.. go get some Google pills and come back to read this story!

Besides you like her or not, you can´t deny she has became a symbol. She wanted to be remembered, to be inmortal... and she did her best to make those wishes came true.
I think one of the greatest examples of this is something called "Ciudad Evita" (Evita City), wich is "the dream of a piramid of her own" and..the place where I live in.
Ciuad Evita was build in 1947 during the PERONISTA goverment. Originally, 15.000 houses would be given to the poor, people from the working class that came from countrysides to try a new life in Buenos Aires. So 15.000 families owned their first house straight from Evita´s hands...
It was called: "the City of the Future" because it had even more services than downtown BA. itself (gas, water, phones, schools, sport clubs, tennis club (!!), libraries, churches, hospitals, and a lot more). All the houses were build with the most expensive materials she could find, somebody remembers that she made the arquitects rebuild a whole lot of houses because she didn´t like the roofing tiles they had chosen, she wanted the french style...so she made them bought new ones from France. She hired the most remarkable landscape designers to set wich kind of trees to plant and she setted a law to forbid any change the new habitants would wanted to make to their houses.
You may probably wonder why such a disposition...well... here´s when this story turns to unbeliveable:
From the air, you could see the drawing of EVITA´s face... yes.. ok, I´ll say it again: from the air you could see a drawing of EVITA´s face...
All those beautifull red roofing tiles (yup, the french ones) mixed with the green trees, the roads, and every single detail of CIUDAD EVITA, were part of a Pharaoh like giant monument to herself that could only be appreciated when you were on a plane watching through the window.
Was it just a coincidence that this place was located a few miles from the international airport? did anybody thought how conveniant was to build a thing like this just to assure that anyone who enters the country KNEW that EVITA was there?

CRAZY...

Here´s the view I took from Google Earth... now that years passed, The original design is not very clear--- but if you try, you´ll be surprised to appreciate how far an overfeeded EGO (like mine) can go... more if you are a masses leader... and got the money... (I´m saving money to build IANNOPOLIS!)

click on the pic to enlarge

This is a copy of the original map.
WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON UPDATE:
Well people...after your comments I gotta say I AM NOT TAKING ACIDS WITH MY PILLS!!! I know it´s not a photo but, if you don´t see her drawing on the map...BLAME THE FUCKING ARQUITECT, NOT ME!!
About IANNOPOLIS...wow, after your comments (and emails) I think this project deserves a post of its own so... soon on "welcome to my soul": "IANNOPOLIS, A REIGN OF MY OWN!"
tomorrow is the opening night of my play... that´s why I´ve been fraking out the whole week... You´ll be the first to know!
love!
Ian.
LAST UPDATE!!!!!! THURSDAY NIGHT:
THE PLAY: SUCCESS "FULL HOUSE"!!!!!!!
(I JUST GOT BACK FROM THEATRE... I´M WRITTIG MY NEXT POST ABOUT IT)
KISSESSSSSSSSS!

Saturday, July 09, 2005

My patriotic little heart is crying


Today 9th of July, Argentina is celebrating its INDEPENDENCE DAY and, for the first time in history, the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING (NY), one of world´s most famous towers showed our flag colors as a tribute to my country and its people.
I´m so honored..I´m so proud...I´m so happy.
Thank you New Yorkl!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

"Louise, The Bone Eater"...



Remember this puppy?, well, after all those years being sitting by that megaphone (or whatever this thing was) this poor dog must be deaf right now... like most of the people this post is about (me included).

Louise, the bone eater is no other thing that a misheard version of Madonna´s classic: "La isla bonita"...yes, can you believe it?

Has ever happened to you that you were singing a song for years in a wrong way BELIEVING that you were right until somebody said: "Hey ya jerk, are you deaf or what? is not like that!" ?... well, I found a site where you can submit all those stories related with mistakes in lyrics and, of course, read more than a thousand hilarious and unbelieveable misheard crap such as:


Song: Wake Me Up Before You Go Go
Artist: Wham!
The real lyrics were: Wake me up before you go go
But I misheard them as: Wake me up and throw your cocoa


Song: Dressed For Success
Artist: Roxette
The real lyrics were: Dressed for success
But I misheard them as: Dressed for safe sex


Song: Ironic
Artist: Alanis Morissette
The real lyrics were: It's like rain on your wedding day.
But I misheard them as: It's like radiation on your wedding day.


Song: Stayin' Alive
Artist: Bee Gees
The real lyrics were: Ah, ah,ah,ah, Stayin alive, stayin alive
But I misheard them as: Ah, ah, ah, ah, Stay in the light, Stay in the light


Song: Torn
Artist: Natalie Imbruglia
The real lyrics were: I thought I saw a man brought to life.He was warm.He came around like he was dignified.He showed me what it was to cry.
But I misheard them as: I thought I saw a man born to life.He was warm.He came around like he was circumcised.He showed me what it was to cry.


Song: Lady Marmalade
Artist: Christina Aguilera Mya Pink & Lil
The real lyrics were: Guichie guichie ya ya yaMocha Chocolata Creole Lady MarmaladeVoulez vous couche avec moi
But I misheard them as: Hoochie Hoochi ya ya yaCroak-a Choke a lot aBe your Lady MarmaladeBooley Bo Coochie In my Car

AND NOW THE WINNER:

Song: Like a Virgin
Artist: Madonna
The real lyrics were: Touched for the very first time
But I misheard them as: Tight for the very last time (!!!!!!!!!!)

YES... THIS PEOPLE MUST BE DEAF, but I had so much fun hitting the random button once and again, and again, and again...

I highly recommend it for those boring moments between tasks at the office. Get your coffe, relax and laugh.

love

Ian.-



SAY WHAT???

(click on the picture to go deaf!)

Sunday, July 03, 2005

LMAO... Watching porn???

I had my doubts before writting this post, ´cause I didn´t (and still don´t) know how your reaction to it would be.
Actually, I don´t think it´s appropiate to post about porn in here... you know... this is MY blog and...well... I´m not a porn fan person...porn?.. you said porn???..who said porn??? what´s that?... I want my mommy!

The other night I was googling around the net between my blog readings and, to my surprise I found this logo:

I asked myself What the hell is that?... and oh my... I just HAD TO find it.

and I DID IT:

YES, THERE IS A MOVIE CALLED "THE HOLE", (no, not "The Ring", "THE HOLE"!) and it was no other thing that a great GAY PORN production released in 2003 , right after that wonderful horror movie "The Ring" became popular.

So... I found its website, and I downloaded the DVD.

Even though I really enjoyed those great muscled beast shots, I watched it as if it was a very good american sitcom TV show. I was laughing so loud that I felt I was going to wake all my family up last night.

But it was still a porn movie... ideal to enjoy with your friends.

here´s the story:

BEFORE YOU´RE GAY YOU SEE..."THE HOLE"

"a mock horror movie based on the popular2002 hit movie the ring. the story centers around a mysterious videotape. anyone who see it has seven days before they turn totally gay. When the time is up, even the most all-american jock becomes afriend of dorothy.the story follows a reporter, benny benson,who is investigating the tape to find thesource of its mysterious power... "

So...if you had seen "the Ring", and loved it, as I did... you wont be able to take this serious..no matter how many naked guys it includes...

here´s the website there you can find the trailer, pictures and some reviews... remember this is a GAY PORN MOVIE so, this site contain s images and language that may offend you...blah blah blah,, C´mon! don´t be a FAG!! it´s just a bunch of naked boys!!


Look at those scared faces..aren´t they just adorable?