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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Handicapped Challenge ---Answers

Hello sweethearted readers!
Now that the Game is over, I need to thank all the ones who participated and made their best to get all the answers right, THANK YOU
THE WINNERS:
1st . Mr Brian (that Humpilicius officer we all wanna be arrested by)
2nd. Mikevil (the fake blonde with the right attitude)

CONGRATULATIONS!!! (please contact me by email and don´t forget to add your post adress so I can send your prizes before x-mas)

AND FOR THE REST OF YOU, THE ANSWERS AND EXPLANATIONS!


Question
1) B-day is probably the most important day of the year for me. This year I had a huge party... what was on the cake? (well, this was easy,
you saw the picture)

a) a hidden Stripper (well, not that night...)
b) a Phantom of theOpera doll (correct)
c) a Madonna´s portrait (so gay)
d) a huge "26" made of caramel surrounded by candles (what am I, a "regular" guy??)

Question
2) even though most of the skin spots i got because of my medication are gone by now, recently I compared myself with:


a) a gay dalmatian
b) a leopard printed scum
c) a zebra from hell (remember when I burned my cock with acid?)
d) Carrie

Question
3) When someone calls me "a whore" I always reply:


a) "Fuck off, sucker!" (I´m not that rude)
b) "Yes, and I´ve learned from your sistaaaaaaaa!!!"( I´m not a guetto guy)
c) "I´m sorry, but I preffer the term : "a fuckeable courtesane" (it´s like my second name...)
d) "yes, but a very expensive one" (naaaaaaaaaaah, I´m so cheap!)

Question
4) what was the thing I ended up doing this year and I thought I would never do?


a) getting divorced (mhhh no, I saw it coming... as everyone else did)
b) directing a play for kids (of course, I hate those lil´brats!!)
c) gettin´a lizard (I love reptiles and I owned a few when I was single)
d) writting the script for a sit-com (I havent done that one, not this year)

Question
5) wich one of this crazy things had happened to me?


a) I discovered that I was fucking with my first husband´s younger brother. (ewwwww no! he´s adoreable but NO!)
b) I was hospitalized after eating too much junk food (no... never THAT much)
c) I accidentally killed my lil brother´s turtle (she died with no help)
d) I used to secreately date my brother´s best friend (yes, I wrote about him on my X´S post, it was a very funny experience)


Question
6) you all know I had to move to a REHAB CENTER for how long??

a) 80 days( as Jules Verne´s novel)
b) 6 month (yuk yuk)
c) a year (fuck!)
d) 30 days (grrrr)

Question
7) my friend´s say I have...


a) Ellen DeGeneres mood (I´m crazy, but not that butch)
b) Jude Law eyebrows. (mines are lighter)
c) J.Lo ass (you saw pictures!)
d) Cruella DeVill laughter (mine is louder)


Question
8) The name of the girl who encouraged me to write a blog in english is...

a) ...Bees
b) ...Deanne
c) ...Silvana
d) ...Rene

Question
9) wich one of the things below i havent done (yet)?


a) to sing in front of 30.000 people
(YES I sang in front of 30.000 people when I was a member of the CDC Choir back in 1998.It was the last night of a choir international contest and, as my choir won the 2nd place, we had to perform in a huge square stadium and I sang my "solo" in front of 30.000 souls. I felt I was MaDONNA!!! (BUT SINGING IN LATIN))


b) to run naked in a public place
(remember I posted about me running naked across a square to win a bottle of champagne while my friends were cheering me up through an appartment window?)

c) to date an international male model
(my former husband (Jerk) was the face of a very popular scent, his pictures were in eerry magazine around the world)

d) to fuck at the gym
(what do you think I am??? a whore?????-only a few picked this one up)


Question
10) from the following list, which title is has not been at the top ofmy site?

a) "WELCOME TO MY SOUL"
b) "GAY ON A WHEELCHAIR!"
c) "MY WAY BACK TO BIPED WORLD HAS STARTED"
d) "A HANDICAPPED BITCH IN RECOVERY"



If you want to check out your scores and the official score list, then click here.


THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING PART OF MY CRAZYNESS
I love ya!
Ian.-

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

MORE Good News!


ABOUT THE PICTURE: MORE self exposure, nothing more than that, oh, and the exibits you have requested:
NO, THEY DOESNT MATCH THE CARPET OK???????



The new goodie is that the parody of HELEN OF TROY I wrote and direct got the 1st Place in the SAN TELMO CONTEST (!!!!!!!).

I´m so happy and proud! I just got the phone call this morning, I can´t believe it!!!

If you´ve been reading this site then you know the circunstances around me the day I wrote it. oh my Godness! it is jut unbelieveable!!!

oh... life... that´s right!

----------------------------------------------------

two short ones.

1.(yesterday, at the pool)

my mom_ who´s that guy singing?

Ian_ Cher. Mom, Cher...

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

2. DON´T MISS IT! (Mikevil is winning and nobody wants that, right?)
Click here to Join THE HANDICAPPED CHALLENGE NOW!!!(quiz)
The contest will finish next december 1st

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Mom´s new toy... an 80´s coupe




Click here to Join THE HANDICAPPED CHALLENGE NOW!!!(quiz)
The contest will finish next december 1st

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Good News!!

Hello babies!
If you have been reading my site during the last months then you recognice this picture...
YES, I had another apointment with my inmunologist and, guess what?
not only she found me so much better than she thought I was, she also, according to several blood testings and a few other results, decided to SLOW MY MEDICATION DOWN AGAIN from 10mg. per day to 4mg(!!!).

Remember these are the pills (cortizone) that, being so toxic, are making my existance a living hell. (skin spots, stretchmarks, inlfates my body, and a thousand lil´crappy things).

The less drug you take, the less secundary effects on your body.
Last night, after this wonderful news, I just wanted to celebrate... everything is going well!.


Oh, there is another HUGE thing happening in my life right now... some of you, the ones who know what I´m talking about, keep your fingers crossed, the others, please, wish me luck!.

The reason I am not blogging about it yet is because THIS is so big that I JUST CANT BELIEVE IT´S HAPPENNING. And I dont really know where to start...
Wish me luck´
love
Ian.-
ps.- weren´t those Blondes Jokes a hit?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

BLOND moments... (Dedicated to my Adorable NATURAL BLONDE Mikevil)


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?A: The joystick is wet.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?A1: Thanks Guys.A2: Are you boys all in the same band?A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?A: Wave

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?A: They both have black roots.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?A: Two brunettes.

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm
blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.Q: Why did God create brunettes?A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.Q: Why does it work?A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?A: A blond doing cartwheels.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?A: She missed the Earth!

Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?A: She blew it both times!

Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?A: About 2 cans of hair spray

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?A: Pick them up off the floor.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?A1: The Blonde!A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?A: Air Supply.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?A: A blond electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?A: Perri-air

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?A: The Air Pump!

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?A: She missed.

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?A: They can't keep their calves together!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?A: After a dye job.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?A: Because she blows the horn!

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?A: 144 blondes.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?A: They both drip when they're fucked.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?A: Because every time the door
opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

BLONDS love summer

Thursday, November 17, 2005

BLONDS are EASY


Wednesday, November 16, 2005

BLONDS ARE STUPID

Monday, November 14, 2005

Happy Busy Sunday


Cast of HELENA DE COYA! and The Btch on a Hat


Hello flowers!

As I´m taking my second cup of coffe after spent the whole morning at the Gym and trying hard not to fall asleep, I´ll try to write about my "glorious sunday", why that glorious you ask?, well...

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I HAD NOT ONE BUT TWO (!!!) OF MY THEATRE PLAYS RUNNING AT THE SAME TIME!!!

The first one was the Parody of HELEN OF TROY I wrote last month for the SAN TELMO FESTIVAL.
After I presented the draft of this little scketch, they invited me to direct them, thing I accepted without thinking it twice.

It was awesome, people just loved it and, as some of the event managers said, it seems we have big chances of getting the first prize on this Festival!! (our fingers are crossed).

The second play was 12 FRAGMENTOS DE AMOR (12 FRAGMENTS OF LOVE), written and directed by my friend and favorite writter Sergio Kohan, who gently invited me to join his crew of wonderful people as Art Designer and Stand-in Director.
I just loved this play, I think its one of the greatests things I´ve been part of
This marvalous play will be running during all November (people from Buenos Aires, click here or here for data&ticket booking).
So, last sunday has found me running from one place to the other trying to be on time and to enjoy both plays.

the weirdest thing is the question I´ve been discussing with my friends on line ( Serra, Jesse, Jeff, Alexis, etc, etc): WHO´D HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD EVER BECOME A WRITER&DIRECTOR??
I mean, I wasn´t more than a simple actor last year!!
life... that is....

Ian.-

(pictures are coming)
Click here to Join THE HANDICAPPED CHALLENGE NOW!!!(quiz)

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Madonnalized...again.


Thanks to Veronica, who sent me the invitations for the CONFESSIONS ON A DANCEFLOOR release party.

I´m affraid I´m not in the DANCEFLOOR DIVA mood today so, I´m not going. But thanks to my new "a guy" Pol, I got my copy of Confessions... and I´m listening to it right now (yes, 3 days before the official world release).

The album is not bad at all, but I gotta say I was kinda dissapointed when I listened it for the first time, in my opinion (gays of the world, don´t shoot me) it wasn´t as DANCE as I thought it would be, I think its more "chill out" and sometimes (most of the time)"trance", wich means that, instead of make me wanna go get my ass moving on a dancefloor, it makews me wanna go get some pot!

Anyway, the album is really worthy and, it far beypond AMERICAN LIFE, and (thank god!) it doesnt include those "I have changed my life", "I love kabalah", " I´m as new person", "I love my kids", " yoga yoga yoga" crap; JUST FUN

.-

Click here to Join THE HANDICAPPED CHALLENGE NOW!!!(quiz)

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE(WITH THE SOUND OF MY CANE HITTING THE ROCKS)



Cathy, Marcela & me on the red carpet


I originally thought about a huge flamboyant Diary of a Mountain Trip Post but, as there werenen´t lots of exciting things happening on my days at Cordoba Hills, you will only have some pictures and a few lines about it.
As I told you, the main reason of this trip was to be at my cousin´s daughter big party and, as planned, this event took everybodys breath away. It was awesome! and all big fat assed Cordoba Society was there.
My first impression when I saw the Red carpet was "holly crap, this will be big!!!"
and it was! the party, food, lights, everything was just marvallous.
I was very happy to be there cuz, when the invitations arrived back in July, I remember I called my cousin and said:"The only way I could be there is if I´m better and my body could deal and resist that long trip" AND I WAS THERE- ALELUYA!

And believe me, no matter how long the trip would be, if you are a cripple, you will travel as a king, not only the tickets are free (Handicapped people has the rights of getting free transportation all over thee country!) you also get the most confortable sits as shown in the picture.

On saturday my Archangel Charly, a friend I hadnt seen since a very short night during the 2000 summer, tooik me out for lunch and a "ride" through the hills.

what put me a lil´down was the fact I couldn´t go out much... my relatives were very busy and I just couldn´t ask them to take me out and "stupid brother" who went with me to "help and assist me" was busy too (some dorkygirl he met)... the point is that I should "work" on my feelings about "depending on other people"...

dont worry, I´ll be ok

oh!, don´t forget to join my game!!!!

I love ya all!

Ian.-

Click here to Join THE HANDICAPPED CHALLENGE NOW!!!(quiz)

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Miss Best Costume & Samarah


Ok... I just got back from my trip and now I´m running to rehab, I´ll post about my trip tonight . In the meantime I´m giving you this pic taken by a friend on Maku´s Costume Ball on Halloween. The picture was taken with a cell phone and its quality sucks, but is all i got untill the photographer send me the ones he took.

SEE YA SOON!
GO GET YOUR SCORE AT MY QUIZ!!!!!!
Ian.-
Click here to Join THE HANDICAPPED CHALLENGE NOW!!!(quiz)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The Handicapped Tour is about to begin...




Hello my friends!
I´m happy to announce that I´m leaving on a short trip to the mountains tomorrow night.

Yes, one of my cousins in CORDOBA, is giving a huge party for her daughter´s 15 years old B-day and I´ll be taking his invitations as a chance to get some relax at one of those loveable landscapes this beautiful part of my country has. ( oh, and going to a huge party)

I don´t think I´ll be able to check or post anything on this blog until next week so I decided to give you the chance of getting a very important prize... JOIN THE HANDICAPPED CHALLENGE! The winner will receive a ----------- and a ------------------ (if u wanna know what the prizes are, you better win the contest!, the only thing I can say now is that I know that you will love it!)

Another thing I´d love you do is to drop more questions for Another Q&A post but this time there will be a MIRROR CARD on my sleeve to play, this means
EVERY QUESTION WILL BE FOLLOWED BY YOUR ANSWER TO IT, i.e.
"Q: how old are you? I´m 26 years old"

BE DIRTY! C´MON DON´T BE A CHICKEN!!!


I hope to get tons of participants!!!
i love ya all
Ian.-

Click here to Join THE HANDICAPPED CHALLENGE NOW!!!(quiz)