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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Saturday, April 30, 2005

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 10


I Don´t even want to think about a good title for this post... I´m not ok... actually I wasn´t even feeling like posting tonight... but as I told SILVANA on the phone, tonight´s post will be a very cathartic way to deal with this shit... who knows.

This evening I had a fight with Buddy, (it wasn´t that bad, we just argue a little bit on the phone) and afterwards things got worse...
During the last two weeks I´ve been thinking a lot about my life before and after my illness, marriage matters included, and maybe this excess of self-exploration and neurotic-obsessive instrospection were the start of all this, how to call tem, "desires of divorce"...

And then the phone call... that ended with a few screams and a gross hung up... like most of our phone conversations during the last few month...

Then, without waiting, another call, this time I dialed...

B- hello?

me_buddy, I´m so fucking sick of it, all our phonecalls ends like this... listen to me, if u keep on this there will be no more chances for us to argue again!.... U got it?

B- (loud) is that what u want?...

me_(louder) I´m not sure, u want this?

B- (screaming) -OK! u decide!!...

me_(freaked out) GO TO HELL! (hang up)

So... do you still need a title on this post? This weekend I was going to blog about a new job I started while I´m at the clinic (I was asked to write the lyrics of a new musical for kids, thing I already started and that was a very cool work to do -never wrote for kids before-). And now... I´m full of shit.

I assume you already read my last TWIGLIGHT ZONE POST (if not, click HERE and pay special attention to the introduction and part2) and as you may think, things has never been the same again after that, but, as I said on that post, I HAD other priorities than thinking about my marriage and I just let it pass...

Anyway, now is not about cheating, trusting, or so... this is not even related with my ilness either. is just the fact that we are so diff´rent from each other... and I´ve been dealing with these differences for the last three years, but I´m not complaining on this fact, I did it because I love him... but the limits got me before I thought they would... and I´m in the need to say ENOUGH.

And the worst part of it is that I´m sure this mmman loves me more than anyone ever had, but he is a prisoner of his own narrow world, the one he has built for himself, where everything works on his own way and all things happends because of other people´s fault and acts. A world where, even though I tried... I don´t have a room, a world that, I discovered, I don´t wanna be part of.

Remember Annie Lennox´s song "Why"???

BY ANNIE LENNOX

well... it´s like I´m stucked in the...

"And these are the years that we have spent

And this is what they represent

And this is how I feel

Do you know how I feel?

'Cause I don't think you know how I feel

I don't think you know what I feel

I don't think you know what I feel

You don't know what I feel"

... part. And is so fucking sad. I love him... but I am just so tired...And maybe, before we hurt each other more, it´s time to say godbye in the name of all the marvalous things we lived togheter since those freezing nights of july2002....

sorry ... but I´ll finish my post here. We´ll see what happend during the week and of course, I´ll tell u.

I LOVE U

STAY TUNED

IAN.

send your mail to(Now I gotta insist....):
Sr. Ian Gutierrez.
Inst. CARILE Habitacion 615
Hospital Militar Central
Avda Luis M. Campos #726
Buenos Aires (C1426BOR) ARGENTINA

Saturday, April 23, 2005

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 9

ONCE IN A LIFETIME...




YoU gotta be wondering who the hell are these hawaianized old guys... well they are THE BEACH BOYS (NOW grown boys) and these pictures were taking while thay were performing last night at the Gran Rex Arena in Buenos Aires (two blocks from my appartment).
Yes, you are right, I just couldn´t miss it, but let me tell you the funny (?) story about how I got to the concert.
Since I knew that one of the greatest bands from all times (they influenced THE BEATLES for God´s sake!) I started to piss everybody off asking for info and trying to find someone who take me to the show (remember I´m on a wheelchair), that wasn´t a problem at all until we saw the ticket price list and we wanted to cut our balls off and throw them to the fire. SOOOOOOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE!!!!.
On the other hand, the show was on friday (and I´m locked up in the clinic during fridays too).
so, the situation was: BEACH BOYS performing on B.A. for the first time in history. Ticket Prices near the sky and Ian, locked up with "little star" (that´s my wheelchair´s name) and completely broke. bitching and screaming about my desperate situation.
THEN FRIDAY CAME...
You won´t believe it, actually it´s hard for me to think about it, but let me tell you what happened:
If u are following my site since the beginning you maybe remember that I lost my grandmother in January. This is something I wrote then about it:
"This morning, "Elsita" , my grandmother, the most important
women in my life after mom, the one I love the most, my guide and muse since I
was a child, the "marquise", the lady who teached me not to be affraid of life,
the one who showed me that love-til-death-do-us-part DOES exists, passed
away.She would have been 76 next thursday"

As her first and favorite (sorry brothers and cousins!) grandson, she was always there to help me and encorage me to make my dreams come true. She had helped me with my Private University pays, helped me pay my travels and in a case like this, I´m sure she would have said: "ok, here u got the tickets for the concert, but promise me you won´t tell your brothers ´cause I don´t want a jealousy war around the house!!", And now that she is not fisically in presence with us, she is still around...

The morning of the concert, while I was absolutely deppressed at the clinic, my mother found inside a CD BOX a little package with U$S200 (YES, TWO HUNDRED AMERICAN DOLLARS!!!) that belonged to my grandmother and that even my Mom had forgotten that were there. And she thought: "Elsita, are you trying to tell me something?"

So... friday night: BEACH BOYS perrforming on B.A. for the first time in history. Ticket Prices near the sky. Ian, locked up with "little star" now with U$S200 on my pokets and thinking how to resolve my desperate situation.

THE ANSWER: I HAD TO SCAPE FROM THE CLINIC IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!!

It wasn´t like in ALCATRAZ movies but it had its adrenaline ehehehe. And if someone from the clinic is reading.... ok, sue me!!! But let me declare first that it was one of the greatests nights I had in years (and my list of marvalous nights is very long!!! you should ask my muse&best friend SILVANA.)

But the most marvalous thing was how my grandmother, my Elsita, managed to send me the tickets from heaven... crazy uh? but I´m convinced it was her, who saw I wasn´t ok and made her arrangements to bring a smile (and lots of happy tears ) to my face.

I LOVE YOU, ELSITA... AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!

ABOUT THE CONCERT: it was amazing. two and a half hours of great performances and unforgetable songs Incredible jokes and the greatest audience dancing in the aisles and cheering wild. I was this close of losing my throuhgt screaming and I almost forgort I couldn´t walk.

they performed more than 30 classics and I just died when they started Coconot and California Girls... silly but the greatests. Simple but perfect. oldies but the most nostalgic songs for an old fashioned little man like me.

---------------------------------------------------------

KILLING THE HANDICAP BITCH

THIS WEEK: "THE END OF THE ROAD"

TThis is the section I use to point out things I conquer in this day-after day battle I´m facing in rehab...

but this week has been so good at it that I´ll just say that the end is near, and I know how happy this newss is for all the people who has been following this site, sharing all this hard moments, bringing me support and sending me so much love. You were there with me, from my first day at the GYM dancing with ALEJANDRO, until the first steps I could do without help ...

guys, now I started to walk... with assistance, just short distances... I tried it at home too, and I´m sure it won´t take so long to be back here and leave the REHAb CENTER to start a home threathment. And I´m so looking forward to it!.

SWEETIES... TIME TO GO

STAY TUNED

LOVE

IAN.

send your mail to(STILL WAITING!!!!!!):

Sr. Ian Gutierrez.

Inst. CARILE Habitacion 615

Hospital Militar Central

Avda Luis M. Campos #726

Buenos Aires (C1426BOR) ARGENTINA

Saturday, April 16, 2005

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 8

ISN´T HE THE MOST BEAUTIFULL CREATURE IN THE UNIVERSE??(AFTER ME, OF COURSE!)

His name is DANTE, it´s my new cousin, he has born last tuesday (April 12nd), and this is his very first picture.

My Mom took it with my Digi-cam and my brother came running to the Rehab Center to show me the images of this wonderfull baby on the little camera screen. (I´m not alllowed to leave the clinic during the week, unless I had some docctor´s appointment outside the Rehab Center).

So you can say that I had virtually met my cousin while my staying at this clinic, and now i´m sharing the experience with you all.

ohhhhhhhhh I love this baby!!!!!!! CONGRATS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE (PATRICIA¬ CLAUDIO)

And let´s all welcome this CRAZIEST COOLEST & FUNNIEST FAMILY EVER´S new member to this freaky little planet.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------


BECOMING A TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE!!!


I dunno how to start this, but is something I wanted to post about but, ouch!... It actually hurts!!!

I´m becoming fatter and fatter everyday!!!!!!!!! yes, like a freaking baloon!

Let´s blame the medication: CORTIZONE.

It actually turns my body into a liquids retainer, and it is showed on my face. My cheeks are like two little mexican piñatas that are growing everyday more.

my belly is fighting everyday against more tan 400 ABS repetitions but, It seems it is winning the battle so... I´ll end with a hippo sized stomach!!

but the truth is: I MUST STOP EATING OREO!!!!! (and all kind of choclate stuff such as cakes, candybars, etc... shame on me) It´s true that cortizone opens our apetite until we got desperate for any kind of food we could find... the point is to choose a fucking low callories yogurt instead of a mmmmmmmmmmmmmhh caramel candy bar or a yuuummmmyyyyyyyyyy chocolate cake.... or a whole OREO pack!!!)...

Anyway.... I watch my face in the mirror.... I imagine it painted in green with a blue mask on it and I´M FREAKING DONATELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

KILLING THE HANDICAP BITCH

THIS WEEK: "TEARS AND TUNES"

Last thursday my fonoaudiology session (theraphy dedicated to recover my voice and fix my talking problems -remember that when my rehab started my speech was barely clear-) started a little later than usual, wich was great because all my partners from the gym were gone and we (ALEX, my fonoaudiologyst and me) could work a little more relaxed.

Then my Mom came to visit and we invited her to join us, I wanted to show her how was the work we were doing at those session, taking into account that the level of troubles I had on my speech had been decreasing so fastly during the last four weeks. Anyway, I wanted my mommy with me.

After a few exercises (articulate improvement and breathing control) ALEX asked me if I felt I could try to sing....

Everything stopped, even the air was heavier... I had tried to sing before, as an exercise, but this time I felt so secure... I knew I could do it. Then I sat, took a deep breath, saw my mom´s face (she was as nervous as me) saw ALEX expectation expression, her smile. I closed my eyes, I knew I couuld do it...

The song was "ALL I ASK OF YOU" from The Phantom of the Opera (click HERE). And I could say that: For the first time in months I felt my voice was there... not as a fucking untunned trumpet, that was a voice I could control... it wasn´t good yet, but it was there.

When I opened my eyes I saw my mom was crying... and I just couldn´t stop. When I finished the song I just smiled and started to cry....

sweethearts, the end of the road is closer everyday... and now is when the harder work starts. THANK U ALL FOR BEING BY MY SIDE ON THIS TRIP.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

STOP!! OH YES WAIT A MINUTE MR. POSTMAN!!

I´m so glad to inform you that the first postcards and letters from you are arriving to my room. IT´S SO GREAT TO GET THEM!!! FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD!!!

So I´ll give you more time to take the moment to write a few words on a postcard and paste a stamp (c´mon guys!) and then I´ll publish my thank you list.

AND NOW AS ALWAYS...- THANK YOU GUYS.

I LOVE U ALL

STAY TUNED

IAN

.send your mail to:

Sr. Ian Gutierrez

Inst. CARILE Habitacion 615

Hospital Militar Central

Avda Luis M. Campos #726

Buenos Aires (C1426BOR) ARGENTINA

Saturday, April 09, 2005

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 7

WHO TOLD YOU I WAS JOKING???
THIS IS A FREAKING CIRCUS!!!

Yup.... it´s official....

We are NUTS!!!!

As you can see in this pictures, the gym of the REHAB CENTER turned into something really weird (queer) last friday afternoon... it was RICHARD´s Birthday and we celebrate it as if it were rthe latest party ever (wigs and costumes included).

In order to share this crazy moments with you, I made a photoblog posting all this funny pictures on the web, click HERE to see this hilarious collection.-

One of the craziest things to point out here is that most of my partners (patients of this clinic) are from the ARMY (the clinic belongs to the Argentinian Military Hospital, as you had read on its address) so is wonderful to kow how, slowly, day after day, they are killling (or putting down) their pre-judgements and tabues about facing the fact they are sharing their lives with a "came out" homosexual. I know, if I´m saying: "military people hates gays" I´ll be prejudging myself but we all know that ARMY ailes are not the better place for a gay man (unless we were on a gay porn movie).

It shouldn´t be that way, I know, but it surprises me anyway, the way they accept my jokes, my freaky sense of humor and all the gay thing. (even the way they were laughing at themselves when they had to wear wigs at the party).

AND THEY JUST LOVE DONNA SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

PIQUETE ON WHEELS

During the last few years, in Argentina (freaking country), we are getting used to a new way of protest: THE PIQUETE.

A group of people, most of the time idiots who claim themselves as "the voice of the people" when what they really are is nothing more than another politician movement against the goverment. What they do is to all thousands of people to come out to te assstreets and make noiser, transforming te city and its traffic into a living hell claiming for stuff like: "5.000 happy meals from McDonald´s as a donation" and ridiculous things like that. PIQUETES, as you can see in the picture, are a pain in the ass. (THEY CALL THEMSELVES UNNEMPLOYED PEOPLE, BUT THEY ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE WHO HATES THE IDEA OF WORKING!!!).

ehehehe... is not hard to imagine that I organized a PIQUETE in the ailes of the clinic ....

I was on my wheelchair coming out from the gym and I found 5 of my partners, on their wheels too, having a conversation in the middle of the aile then, after say hi, I put my wheelchair in the lñlast plñace I could find free impeding people using the aile.

It was when my PT tried to cross the line when we started: "this is a piquete!" and started clapping our hands screaming WE WANNA WALK WE WANA WALK WE WANNA WALK!!! it was hilarius to see this freaking handicap protest on wheelchairs, but the greatest came when our loving nutricionist came up and we started: WE DON´T WANT CHICKEN WE DON´T WWANT CHICKEN WE DON´T WANT CHICKEN!!! clapping our hands ad making noise.... I´m still surprised nobody already kicked me out of this clinic heehehe...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

KILLING THE HANDICAP BITCH:

THIS WEEK: THE APPLE CHALLENGE

I´m still on the road to biped world but, in the meantime, I must make a few stops to recover lots of litttle things I lost such as precission on my hands movements. The proffessionals are working hard to help me on this matters asd let me announce:

AFTER LOTS OF EXCERCISES, LAST THURSDAY I COULD EAT AN APPLE USING UTENCILS.

YES, I COULD USE A KNIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 8 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!

and I felt it as if I had won the Oscar.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well my babies, it´s time to leave u.... as always, thanks for all your support.

I LOVE U ALL.

KISSES

STAY TUNED

IAN.

send your mail to:

Sr. Ian Gutierrez

Inst. CARILE Habitacion 615

Hospital Militar Central

Avda Luis M. Campos #726

Buenos Aires (C1426BOR) ARGENTINA

Saturday, April 02, 2005

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 6



As you requested:

this is the latest freaking joke my fucking fate played with me...

Ok, here I am again trying to write without being bored or getting lost between fool details.

Before start I gotta say that this (I think) will be a very hard-to-write post, because to begin the second part of this crazy story I must reveal a -how to call this- "secret" that only a few people know about my life and that I thought it would remain like that forever just to protect my buddy´s image in front of my friends and relatives... but I think it´s time the world knows he has been a jerk.

PART 1: "MSN FRIENDS: VIRTUAL - REAL - WHO CARES?"

I just can´t remember how or where I found this guy, but I´m so happy I did it.

Since this illness started I´ve been surfing a lot around internet, killing all those hours I won when I found myself on a chair with not much to do but read&write on this fucking computer. (Remember I had to move back to my parents because I couldn´t be alone and my buddy had to work everyday). During those days, I made a few friends that helped me to get trough all the crap, and Tim was one of them.

Every night, after dinner and my coup of coffe, I sat in front of my screen and started MSN chat with Tim and other friends until it was really late in the night (I just couldn´t sleep because of my medication.. and I hate sleeping pills so...).

I never met Tim in person, we talked by the phone just a couple of times but, our conversations were very sensitive and we became closer everynight... call this friendship, virtual support, a voice behind the line.. etc. The point is that, during the worst days of my life, I had someone who were listening to me, bringing me love and support, as my friend.

PART 2 : "THE DAY MY HUSBAND CHEATED ON ME"

I know after my little prologue you are all especting the morbid details of this crappy situation.

This is not easy... actually is harder than I thought, because, even though this has been left in the past and I still love this guy with all my heart, I know I just couldn´t trust him again after what he had done.

But I won´t talk about the terms of our marriage after this facts or how my feelings are, this post is about fate jokes and believe me, these are more interesting than my "Desperate Housewives" stories.

FACT a): while my ilness I discovered he had a secret hotmail account (I gotta admitt that I AM THE ONE WHO TEACHED HIM HOW TO WRITE AND SEND AN EMAIL, YES, DURING 2004!! hard to believe that such a morron actually exists uh? anyway, I love him.).

FACT b): of course, I assume that a secret account in a person that can´t even write an email properly couldn´t be good... so I smelt the shit in the air and cracked its password. (yup, i´m good)

What I found was a huge list of sent and received emails from several guys from each part of the city. Pictures, dates, times, arrenged meetings, nutty words (cool stuff if it´s not your husband the one who writes!).

When I made him face the facts, he denied everything, he told me it was just a game, that he never touched anyone but, what he never understood was that the "touching thing" was the part I care less about...

YUP, I HAD MARRIED A WHORE. But this post is not about whores or victims... at this point I´ll just say that the terms of our relationship changed as my capacity of trusting him again. But if you are wondering why the hell I am writing about this, the answer, my friends, is on the

FACT c): Guess who´s email address appeared in this secret account email sent box??? YES!!!!!!!!!!! It had to be this way!!! My friend Tim, the one I never met, the one who didn´t even know my real name, or my husband´s name, the one who never saw a picture of us togheter, the one that only knew my hotmail account and cell number... yes, that Tim, the one that had been hours and hours chatting with me during the last three months.

RESOLUTION OF PART 2:

about buddy: I had better and more important things to think about (walking again, for example) that the idea of starting a divorce just became stupid, in the meantime, buddy tried really hard to show me HOW WRONG he was (Jerk!) and now, even tough he knows this is not over, he pretends to live like non of this had happened.... maybe in NEVERLAND with freaky Jhonny Deep.

about Tim: I told him everything about this emails and asked if he had got any message from oerly66@hotmail.com but, if so, it had been long time ago or maybe some profile response from the pictures Tim had in a Gay Cupid argentinian site. But, in that case, evreything had been erased. He swers he doesn´t remember meeting Buddy or even receiving a Buddy´s message. Ok then.... let´s go to

PART 3: "THE GUY WHO LIVE WITH US"

If you are a regular visitor of tis site, you may remember my "letters from heaven", the posts I used to write durinng my weekends at my appartment in downtown. (every weekend I move back to my home and stayed there, relaxing, until the next monday). In those posts, I told you about Manu, the guy who were living with us for a while.

We met Manu at the rehearsals of "2032", a wonderful theatre play I was going to be in with my Buddy, but as my health condition became worst, I had to resign the idea of being on stage then... so I stayed working as some kind of "art director".

We were working then, and we found Manu had some problems trying to find an appartment (he´s from Jujuy, the northest region of Argentina... thousands and thousands and thousands miles from Buenos Aires. And we offered to stay on our downtown place until he founds one of his own.

We became really close, he helped me in everyting and, if you remember my wheels posts, he was the one that took me running around Buenos Aires avenues screaming and making formula one noises while pushing my wheelchair... yup, he´s nuts! and I love him.

MONDAY AFTERNOON / DOWNTOWN RALLY!!
Manu came home early and asked me: "are you ready for a
ride?" And -what was I thinking????????- I said yes
He took me on a wheelchair ride through CORRIENTES AVENUE (it´s our local Broadway) running and screaming, making formula one noises and scaring people... it was hilarious. Thank God there are no traffic tickets for a
simple chair!! are they? oops... I´m so sorry Mr.cop ,,, I´m just a little guy who can´t walk ... aren´t you sorry for me?

AND NOW.... WHAT YOU´VE BEEN ESPECTING... LAST SUNDAY... THE NIGHT MY BRAIN BLOWED UP (AGAIN!)


During last weeks thursday, I got an offline Message from Tim saying: "I C U NEXT SUNDAY" It had been weeks since I didn´t had any news from him, and then that misterious message...

"Sunday... sunday... What the hell happends next sunday?" I thought, "besides easters weekend and the last show of our play, nothing especial is happening next sunday, There must be something related with the play but how the hell he knows about it? I never told him about it... what´s going on?"...

When I got connected that night, I had to wait until 1.00AM when Tim came up to get my answers, and believe me, I couldn´t sleep that night...

The MSN conversation started with a message like this:

TIM: heyyyyyyy Ian!!!! I´ll see you next sunday!!!

IAN: what? where? what do you mean?

TIM: I´m going to your play!! I didn´t know about it! I had met Manu last night at a party and he told me about it! so... I´ll meet you there...

I remember myself calling my friend&muse SILVANA trembling and trying to be clear on the phone while I was telling her the whole story...

Last weeks wednesday night, in a who-tha-hell-knows whose birthday party in Buenos Aires Downtown, two guys: one I never met, gay, who was "this close" to be my husband´s lover (ehehe creepy uh?) and the other, a guy I haven´t even met before the rehearsalss started in november, straight, from Jujuy!! (that´s far from here... really far for god´s sake!) and that was living in my place... how... please somebody tell me HOW THA FUCK THEY HAD FRIENDS IN COMMON???? HOW DID THEY GET TOGHETER IN THIS PARTY??? and worst: HOW THE FUCK MY NAME CAME UP AND THEY STARTED TO TALK ABOUT MEEEEEEEE??????????????

well... I finally met Tim in person. (Buddy almost freaked out and I enjoyed it so much!), Tim will visit me at the clinic next week and we´ll laugh about the whole thing... trying not to hear the TWIGLIGHT ZONE MUSIC on our heads... TIRU LIRU TIRU LIRU TIRU LIRU....

THE END

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SWEETHEARTS, about my Rehab, I´m still working hard and getting better everyday... forgive me if I don´t taklk much about it this weeek but I think post has been long enough and I don´t wanna bored you. I promise next week I will post the latesst news about my life in the CIRCCUS.

Thanks for all your emails and comments, I love you guys!!

STAY TUNED

IAN.

I assume that thousands of postcards are on their way to the rehab center, right????

this is the address:

Sr. Ian Gutierrez
Inst. CARILE Habitacion 615
Hospital Militar Central
Avda Luis M. Campos #726
Buenos Aires (C1426BOR) ARGENTINA