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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Sunday, August 28, 2005

THE HIPPO HUNT Chapter II


Yes, I know it took me more than a week... STOP CURSING ME!!!
Here you got the second part of my HIPPOLIZED Q & A POST.

So, as I´m trying to get over "SIN CITY" and "AMITY VILLE HORROR" swallowing the bitter taste of dissapointment, and while taking my 7th cup of coffe I´m leaving you with our adorable friend: THE HIPPO.

The last thing we knew about our little hero is he was trying to escape from Deanne´s submarines....

TORPEDO 2) When did you tell your family you were gay, and how did they take it?
ok, turn your time machine on and fly back to 1995, I was 15 years old. I sat Mom and Dad and say: " yes, I´m gay". This conversation was the finale act of a few events related with a "new" group of friends I had been hanging out with. (they were members of some MADONNA´s Fan Club -yup...typicall- and they were all queers!). When my Mom, who is no stupid, tried to forbibe me to go see them, I made my speech. how did they take it?
well, at first it was pretty shocky for the three of us, and they said they wanted the best for me... a few month later I´VE BEEN SENT TO A SHRINK. (The storm lasted until I was 19 I guess)

TORPEDO 3)Would you live anywhere else, other than Buenos Aires, and why.
NEW YORK. Since I first saw a picture of it I knew that my heart was beating for her... I used to dream I was working on a Broadway musical. I just love it. And you know how obsessive I can be so... even though I´ve never been there, I know every building, avenue, street and theatre on it.

KABOOM! Deanne missed its target again and asked Wayne to try:

What are your plans for the weekend?
the same we do every weekend, Pinky... try to conquer the world...
Eat lots of candy, whatch a few DVDs and keep listening to WICKED until someone slaps me. oh! and make some hot guy fall in love with me.

Deanne gave Wayne "the look" and said: "was THAT your best shot ? YAY!" but he couldn´t hear her... the UK BITCHES FORCES submarine crashed against a roc and its bitch captain had to swim away from a few cocodriles who were trying to bite her fat ass. (Note: my little revenge to the girl who suggested me this post)
In the meantime, hippo Ian found some plants where to hide and took a deep breath remembering old ostrich´s yoga class but a very weird image didn´let him relax. NOW WHAT THE HELL...??? Guillo, coming from the sky, wearing his "I love Mr. Spock" t-shirt and flying an ENTERPRISE SCALE MODEL made with his own hands, tried his radar asystem on the plants and use his lazer:


My question is...Did you ever get "busy" with Fachi? You never said yes or no when I asked before, so this is a good place to ask :P
I can´t believe (and I think FACHI either hehehe) you just asked me this!, ok First let me introduce F, to my readers. Fachi is, for me, one of the hottest guy I met but he has a very serious problem... he just doesn´t know it!!! Ted, if you are reading, he reminds me you. He is sweet, handsome, his body is just perfect, even my Mom loves him! ( she said:"you should marry him" several times) I´m sure he will be everybody´s son´s perfect father and the truth is I am sexually harrassing him since the very first day we´ve met.
The answer to your question, Guillo slut, would be: we had our action...but remember then he was dating that hedious fag, Einar, and I couldn´t get much... afterwards we became very close friends and you know how sucker Fachi can be about friendship... he respects me so much DAMN! (FACHI: I know you are reading this, I LOVE YOU!!!...wanna fuck? heehehehehe).


Guillo hits the floor, it seems he losrtt controln of the spaceship and ejected himself two seconds before the machine dissapeared in the dust. Ian started running while he heard Spencer driving a jeep with Serra and Ray on the backsit. Spencer went first:

what kind of music you listen to?What kind of guys you like?
MUSIC: all kinds, pop trash, eighties, Jazz and a sever addiction to musicals
GUYS: all kinds, trashy and eighteens addicted to sex ehehehe NOW SERIOUSLY; I know what I dont like fisically, but you never know how would the one you love look like, but as for fun, delliver me a big, white, blonde blue eyed and fit man and I´ll be more than happy.

Serra pointed her arrows at the hippo and shooted:
What one thing did you NOT take with you to rehab that you really wish you had taken?You can't put people in this answer--things means non-breathing objects. Besides, if I let you answer people, the answer would be too easy
DOES A LOVER COUNT AS PEOPLE???
I think, more music... and my video-camera... oh, a porn magazine would have helped too!

Ray slapped Serra and said:"hey bitch, let me teach you":


1. boxers? briefs? or boxer briefs?
boxer briefs

2. when was the last time you did Eva Peron drag?
nevahhhh I´m too hairy to drag...

and that´s how Serra finally kick Ray´s ass throwing him out of the jeep... ouch! Thank God our little friend got to the lake... he´ll be safe there. He was thinking about how many things were hapenning to him that morning: "this must be some kind of curse ...I knew I shouldn´t have taken that extra pizza slice last night!"
Hippo Ian sat under a tree and watched the waves in the water...wait,,, this is a fucking lake, waves are not supossed to be here! OH MY GOD, FOR MUFASA´S ASS´ES SAKE, IS THAT ALEXIS?????!!!

To be continued...

Friday, August 26, 2005

THE GREAT NEWS


Hello babies!!!!
Please do not start bitching about "My Hippo sequel" its coming soon, I´m almost done with it (God!you people made real tuff questions and my handicapped little brain is almost blown up by now) but, in the meantime I have very good news about my illness to share with you all:

"MY MEDICATION HAS BEEN REDUCED IN A 50%"

Yes, remember me bitching my ass out about how I hate my CORTIZONE pills that inflated me and made my body look like a mexican piñata?? Well, They were reduced from 20mg per day (I used to take 60mg) to 10mg wich means most of my body reactions to this drug (being inflated, pimps and skin spots) will desapair soon.
So... THIS NINJA TURTLED FACE WILL BE GONE IN A FEW DAYS!!!
I´m happy...and its great to share this with you.
See ya in a few

Ian.-

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

OBSESSIONS II: "The Wicked Witch of the South"



Last night, I finally saw a video recording of "WICKED- The Musical".
You all know how this things affects me, and how affects my family (yes, since the very moment I got the tape, it has been played once and again until my Mom, against her will and without knowing a word in english, could sing most of the lyrics hehehehe). YOU KNOW HOW HARD IS TO LIVE WITH ME!
A curious thing to add is that there is no official shootage of this musical, the copy I got from the IGBM (INTERNATIONAL GAY BLACK MARKET) is a video taken with a hidden camera from a very convenient sit at the NY theatre where the show is now playing.
I´M FEELING LIKE A CRIMINAL HERE!!! though I rather preffer some BATMAN villain... it would be a new one...what about THE WICKED WITCH OF THE SOUTH?

Sunday, August 21, 2005

A HUNT TALE (Q&A POST)



Hello people.
I´m here again, still in shock alter reading the questions you´ ve dropped on my last post (Bitches!!!).
I must add I had to increase my medication not to go kick Deanne´s ass who had the idea of this “ask me questions” post.
Anyway, You have no idea of how much I laughed my white, argentinian, touchable, georgeous and handicapped butt off every time a new question arrived to my DINO-box. You guys rock my world!!!! Thank you so much for being there again, no matter how uncomfortable your questions made me feel.
So here we go!
Kises
Ian.-


THE HIPPO HUNT


African sun raises in the horizon ( play LION KING SOUNDTRACK, Circle of life). While King Mufasa is trying to explain his little Simba that he should stop playing with that pig and his friend cuz they´re too gay... the Hippos are still sleeping by the river... all of them but one... let´s call him Ian..

Ian couldn´t sleep in the whole night, he was very upset ´cause he had eaten too much and he was repeating to himself “tomorrow, I´ll start a new life”. So that morning, he decided to go Jogging around the jungle..-. he didn´t know that a very dangerouse hunters team called “the H B readers Group” had arrived earlier the same morning and was planning to add a huge Hippo head to their trophy wall.

After a froot loopped breakfast, our friend started running, leaving the river area planning to be on time to join Cebra´s Pilates class. But, hidden behind a tree, ALASTAIR, the first HBRG member, aimed and shooted showing no mercy:

i)are you a top or a bottom?
i. big deal! I dont think I have a definitive rol, it depends on who am I with, my mood, circunstances... I don´t know. I hate the word versatile, I certainly preffer “easyly adaptable”. (and it doubles the bets).
ii) what is your favourite flavour of ice cream?
ii. Mocha Cream.
iii) have you ever used food (especially ice-cream) when having sex? If not, why not?
iii. I remember once I emptied a cream spray-can on someone's body. But this was just to tease him. Bring your ice cream and we could try it ;)

Then suddenly, lovely John, with a nice cumpliment helped Ian to escape but, hidden behind the rocs, there was Bees and her laser shotgun:

I want to know if you've ever humped a girl before
Yes I did Bees, yes I did..

Our friend jumped to avoid her laser shots and fell...then, the HBRG Queen, Alexis, insisted with another top-or.bottom Granade but it was Mikevil, president of Canadian HBRG and DO IT YOURSELF Club admin. the one who released his dogs:

- Don't you think I am the cutest Dane you have ever seen?
- Who would you rather kiss (for a long long time) alexis or Bees?

You are the ONLY Dane I know... I guess you are the cuttest. Oh, and I´d kiss Alexis AND Bees Knees at the same time if they allowd me (yes, I got my skills), but I´m sure that will never happend, they hate each other.


The dogs were distracted because of a strange smell coming from a corner, and our cute Hippo escaped again. While running, he heard Jon´s pistols (who needs a new pair of glasses) and Dina who ran out of bullets and said:”I´LL BE BACK”. Now a strange noise came from the sky (play star wars theme) is it a bird? Is it a plane? Noooooo its Knottyboy flying a WWII airplane!! Oh oh, our friend is terrified! Knottyboy aimed at the Hippo and shooted:

1. Why do you blog?
1. when I started blogging I thought about how good would be to have a site of my own where to drop all my thoughts, sharing them with the world.. I´ve always been a spotlights lover kind of guy, my friends are always bitching about that. Maybe, in the beginning, that was the aim of my blogging stuff, to be known... I´ve even chosen to write this in english.. to get to more people. (Rene, the first blogger I´ve ever met, encourged me to do that). Then afterwards, as my ilness grew worse, my blog turned into a way out, I realized I had so much people living and sharing every little challenge I was onto, and I felt I wasn´t alone there. Then my blog just started living by itself and I love it!

2. What is the scariest thing that has ever happened to you?
2. well, november, last year, I´ve spent three days in some kind of a coma state, I mean, I couldn´t move any part of my body and I was completely blind...but I could hear!!! I herd everything thas was happening around my bed!!! I didn´t know if I was dead already or if I was going to stay like that forever... That was more than scary. . .

3. Is Argentina a good place to live if you're gay?
3. Argentina, actually Buenos Aires, is called the GAY capital city of South America (sorry Rio, u suck!) actually we were the first who have legalized couples with members of the same sex. (yup, before canadians and spain). Men are just georgeous and nightlife is very wild. I definately think of BA as a great place to live if you´re gay.

Birds flown away terrified because of the noise Knottyboy made when his plane crashed against a tree. Ouch!
Hippo Ian decides to hide under water... he will be safe there, so he ran straight to the river and jumped...
Underwater world is always calm but it seems there are more surprises for our little friend...UK BITCH FORCES sent Deanne on a submarine

TORPEDO 1) Is english widely taught in Argentina
Yes, My non-spanic traveller friends, who have visited several Latin American countries, affirms that Argentina is the only coutry in Latin America when they felt comfortable with the language, it didn´t matter if they were at the beach or in the middle of the mountains, they had found an english speaker guy to help them.

TORPEDO 2) When did you tell your family you were gay, and how did they take it?
to be continued...

STAY TUNED...


I´M WRITTING MY NEXT POST...
COME BACK IN A FEW MINUTES...
THE HUNTING IS ABOUT TO BEGIN...

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

HIT THE HIPPO and win 100 points!


BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING:
YES, I´M THE ONE WITH THE BEARD (yes, the one on the left...no, that´s a ball, I mean the other ball, the red one.. yes exactly! that´s me!!).
This pic was taken last saturday night at the Mall and I was thinking about sending it to NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC with an attached letter saying: "I´m happy to inform you that a new kind of hippo has been discovered around Buenos Aires area"
JUST SHOOT ME!
I was MSNing with my UK bitch Deanne and she suggested I should do an "ask me questions" post. I was kinda frightened with the idea but then I thought about how cool my readers are and how bitchy they could be and I finally said what the hell, this will be fun!,
So here we are, now you can take my dino-comment-box over and leave any question your dirty minds have been saving for me. I promise to answer each one of them.
NOTE: if you are reading this, and you are not leaving a comment, the curse will follow you until the day you die! (I have a friend who has friends in SALEM)
kiss kiss
Ian.-

Sunday, August 14, 2005

SOUNDS

And the PRESENT OF THE YEAR AWARD goes to...




MY DAD!!!!!!

After a few days of doubts (he wasn´t very sure in the beginning) my father decided to finally spend a fortune (well, not thaaaaaaat much, but enough to make him not to tell his wife -my mom- the real amount, scared to get a bite from her if she knew) in a very sofisticated HOME THEATRE! (Wheeeeeeeee!)
Fortunately (for me!) Dad has a serious buying problem, he is every sellsman´s wet dream and I think Mastercard itself wants to be his lover. Now you my wondering why I´m being such a bitch talking about the man who brought me to life, well....lemme tell you this:
That morning he left the house to buy a simple DVD PLAYER, I mean, nothing more sofisticated than a fucking VCR, it took him just ten minutes at the mall to decide getting this huge video system including all those audio little toys and KARAOKE!! (with two microphones and everything).
Whe I saw him coming into the house carrying all those boxes I thought "uh oh... you did it again right?"

The fun act started when we had to spend the whole night trying to understand how to connect all those freaking cables and buffers and after that trying to get all the functions setted up (It was a little domestic war where, instead of blood and bombs, we got several ego injures when a "simple" OUTPUT-TO-INPUT turned to "uncomprehensive language" after the second hour of re-reading the instructions manual)
Now thew fucking thig is working I´m just amazed... you won´t believe how my nervs get thrilled every time I hear a Jurassic Park bug scream on that screen, or watching (a million times already) The phantom of the Opera and cryyyyyyy and cryyyyyy and cryyyyy...

Believe me, if this great machine had a dick...I would definately marry it :P



-------------------------------
OH, I FOUND A NEW WAY TO USE MY CANE:
I´M GONNA IMPALE TED!!!!!


Marvalous Ted from "Diary of a Sane Man" had the nerve of TAG me in one of those silly meme games, thank God this was a lovely one (as the Man who sent it). I love you Teddy, but next time you wanna "play" with me... let me know first so I could "be ready" (shower, shave, mints and...ya know).

So this is my play intructions and results:



“List ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to."

  1. Indigo Girls- Midnight train to Georgia
  2. Annie Lennox - why
  3. Portishead - All mine
  4. Disney Festival - Remember the Magic
  5. Josh Groban - You raise me up
  6. Madonna - Dear Jesse
  7. Sarah Mclalan (whatever it writes)- In te arms of an Angel
  8. Princess Amneris (Aida) - My strongest suit
  9. Spongebob Squarepants - under the sea
  10. Pussycat Dolls - Don´t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

And my CURSE/TAG goes to:

  • serra
  • Texas Biscuit
  • Kelly
  • Glitzy
  • Jon

Sorry babies, in case you find this annoying, GO AND GET HIM! (I want him alive!)

His

xxxoooxxx

Ian

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Welcome to my Birthdays

Hello sweeties!
I know, everybody says the same and I´m just so used to hear it that it´s like I´m not hearing:
"Ian! you have more than a month and a half! September is not even here! STOP TEASING EVERYBODY ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY!" etc etc etc...

Yes, I know... I´m a fucking teaser... but, everytime I think about my birthday, a huge smile comes up to my face and that weird feeling of being a child again takes possesion of my body.
But maybe, to make you understand this thing better, we should turn our time machine on and fly down to an age when Michael Jackson was still a black kid and phones were used just to talk.



I am the first born in a family where everyone had a lot of love to bring... I mean A LOT.
If you think that I had been the only kid in the family for the long 7 years until my fucking brother appeared to kick my bubble of privileges off, then you´ll get the main explanation for several of the most twisted aspects of my personality hehehe,
anyway, I was a little prince and, of course, my birthdays were the reflexion of that: HAPPINESS AND JOY


I can´t remember one single birthday when I wasnt happy. And I´m not talking about material stuff, I had all my family and friends togheter.
I had never been a "regular kid", I was some kind of monster who enjoyed isolation and books while other kids where playing soccer or trying to kiss the girls. (yeah right... who? me??? nevaaaa) and now that I´m thinking about it, maybe was in my birthday parties when I became just like them.
.
4 years old /OHH MY GOD!! DAD LOOKS JUST LIKE ME NOW!

. 6 years, my cake was a huge circus with lions, lights, trapecists, nets and everything...did I ever tell you I hate circus?
.

Tarzan in a coconut jungle Cake. Another year and one after the other, I always got that feeling..."nothing is imposible... at least once a year"
.

Theen I grew up, and people says I "became a man", so I started to play this game of being a "grew up adult" even though there isn´t too much of it inside me.
Once a year I still have my own way out, a day when, literally, I have no limits.
.
"It´s my party and I Drag if I want to"
No limits, like in 1999 when I celebrate my Versalles Gardens Party at a huge discoteque called Palacio Buenos Aires where all my guests had to wear full XVIII century costumes and wigs. Yes, out of this planet.

.
No limits, like in 2003 when I decided to celebrate on stage and I wrote and direct a Music Hall with 12 artists on stage, 17 diff´rent costumes, dancers, a huge screen, and the dream of a show of my own. It was called "My first concert ever!" and ir still playing in the heart of all the ones who share it with me.
.
This was last year, I was already ill but, even though I really had my doubts about what to do, Jerk helped me setting up everything to celebrate on our appartment in downtown BA and almost 30 people found their way to fit inside our little home without killing each other. And it was great!

So, soon I´ll be 26... and the countdown to my next Magical day has started. What the hell I´m gonna do this year? I still dunno,,, maybe you can suggest an idea...
and remember...SEPTEMBER 25TH or the curse will get ya!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

CONFRONTATION - Updated


Right in the moment when you think your life is "literally" moving on, and you feel your past is already left behind... your freaking fate, destiny, or whatever u call it, starts laughing its tits off at you and farts on your face saying: "uh oh ... nooope, this is something u must face and.. what the hell, it will be fun!"


I think u all remember my former husband.. yeah, the Jerk, the one I got divorced two and a half month ago after he dissapeared while I was living at the rehab clinic and never herd of him again..., yes that Jerk.

Ok, the story is this: Tomorrow night is the opening of a new play I´ve been working in as an art designer (actually my name is on the credits but I haven´t done much). I have wonderful friends in the cast, people I love and miss so much... So I must be there tomorrow, supporting them, the director and the play.

The fact here is that my ex husband, yeah... the Jerk, happened to be the play´s Costume Designer so, as the look-how-good-I-am person he is, he won´t miss this oportunity to get the audience´s applause (I´m sure his work will be loved, he´s a very talented designer, yeah... that Jerk) And tomorrow... well, I think is about time to let him face me. (ok, to face him again)

I was on the phone with SILVANA, my muse, angel and evil bitch, and she asked me if "I was ready" ... I answered "you know Sil?, I feel nothing" I just can´t believe I threw a 3 years marriage off just two and a half months ago and I feel totally cool and safe, as if he were erased from my life.

So... as Scarlet O´Hara said... "tomorrow will be just another day"... and I will finally see my ex husband again, yeah...that Jerk.

Ian

SUNDAY NIGHT POST-SHOW UPDATE

Well, you all can breathe again now! He didn´t come. Yes, don´t go searching for your glasses, you are reading it ok, he didn´t show up tonight.

I went to the opening with one of my Angels, Celeste, then Manu joined us and the three of us, me and my chaperons, entered the theatre 45 minutes before the show started.

By the time we crossed the door, several people, Director of the play included, came to say hi and I felt really happy when I herd exclamations related with my fisical improvements (last time they saw me I was on a wheelchair, now I was standing up on my feet).

Later, the show started and I enjoyed it so much. I loved their work, the acting... even the costumes! (I told you, the Jerk is talented). It was a wonderful experience and I´m so glad I haven´t miss it.

The night ended sharing dinner with some friends from the cast. (and trying to figure what the hell we are gonna do to celebrate my upoming birthday next September 25th).

what?... my what?...what jerk? ah! that Jerk,... well, nobody saw him in a long time (at least that´s what they said) and of course...he seemed to be very sad and lonely (his Oscar´s nomination I´m a martir role) but I´ll stop writting about him...after all he´s just a Jerk.

Ian.- 1.59am

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Picture


"This picture was taken by my little 10 years old brother Lisandro. It is the first picture where I am standing up on my feet without any help or cane, yes, I started walking by myself today and I wanted to share it with u"
yes, I´m walking, can you believe it? I know I still have a million miles to drive yet on this road back to biped world but WOW, the feeling is amazing. So It didn´t mind I´m looking like an mutant daughter of a red whale and a gay version of fucking Che Guevara, I Just have to post a picture of this.
Love to you all!
Ian
ps. I accept suggestions about new uses for my cane now that soon I won´t need it anymore.