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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

"The eating machine"*

*this post is dedicated to CoffeDog, who will think I´m a hedious "puppy hater".
Hello folks!
Lately I´ve been in a rush all the time, my days are running so fast (and so damned slow at the same time!) that I couldn´t write much, even though there are lots of things I really really really wantd to share with you.
I´m freaking out with my rehab threathment, the gym, the play, my divorce (that keeps sucking my brain, heart and soul out!) and the fact of getting used to live in suburb hell (as Ms. Bees Kness called my new neighbourhood) again.
But, in order to put a little smile on your face, I have this funny story:

Two posts ago I told you about our -little beast- new member of the family: Mr. B.B. von Trueguen, our three month little Rotweiller "puppy"
yeahhh right!, I know you found him "cute", bla bla bla, but the point is that sharing our lives with him has become a day-after-day learning... and the first to get close to "totally fraked out" level was Mom.

The little 20kg monster is eating (if you allow him) all day long, I mean, not only his own expensive and specially prepared food, he eats everything he can reach... from meat (that he loves to steal while Mom is cooking) ONIONS!! he took from the kitchen, to a vegetarian salad he "borrowed" from my lunch. (yes, this is maybe the first ROTWEILLER that eats lettuce and soybeans).

But the problem started when little B.B. decided to try our styled wooden furniture...
yes... little pieces of wood were coming up in our living room... and I noticed that the lower part of the furniture had bite and scratch marks that weren´t there before...
of course that, untill we found the little beast "eating" one of our chairs´es legs, nobody believed me because "I was over-reacting" "how could I ever imagine that such an angelicall little creature would ever destroy something??? (angelicall my ass!).

So, when the little monster was caught with "his hands on the plate"(almost literally talking) my Mom asked my little brother (10 years old) to go get some
Aloe Vera, wich is, if you don´t know it, a plant well known because of its curative virtues (they use it in every body-milk) butr more known because of its bitterness. Yess, is one of the most disgusting flavors you could ever taste. Mom´s idea was to put some of ts juice on the wood so, when the puppy decided to have some antique wood for lunch, its new bitter flavor made him change his mind.

Afterwards, Lisandro, my little brother, came into the house with a huge Aloe plant in a bag and, in a hurry to be the next one playing Playstation, he left the bag open in the kitchen´s floor.
It was later, when my Mother asked him if he had brought the plant home and togheter, they went to the kitchen to find that even the open bag was still there, the plant was gone....

Yes my friends, it seems to be that my little dog is a bittered taste food fan, I´ll take him with me next time I´ll go to a french restaurant. That if he doesn´t eat me first!

The BEAST(My Brother Lucas) and the BEAST

Friday, May 27, 2005

"WHY AM I CRAZY???" (chapter one)- OBSESSIONS: yup... I´m a phantom freak....(featuring María as "The Nurse")

As you may remember.... I am one of those PHANTOM OF THE OPERA FANS, yeah...like all those dumbasses that had waited in lines last week in full Star Wars costumes to get tickets to see the last (last? isn`t it the 3rd of six??) part of this dumby trylogy (again, aren´t they six??). They are called freaks... and, even though I didn´t wear a White Half-faced Mask when the Phantom movie arrived to Buenos Aires cinemas, I have no problems to admit that I have serious problems if we are talking about how obsessive this little guy can be when he founds something he really really really likes.
It happends all the time, maybe it´s a Movie, a song, an album... and since I got a copy, I´m pllaying it again and again all the time until someone, who can´t stand it anymore, slaps me or kicks my lovely, georgeous argentinian white ass.
But there´s always been someone who stayed beside me supporting all this sillyness, because we usually have the same taste in music & movies, because she´s as obsessive as I am and, of course, because she´s as crazy as I am.
Her name is María and she is the only friend I still have from high school. (not an entire blog would be enough to tell why I only made just one friend in my day-after-day-in-hell- high school).



And this is the story that made me introduce you all to her...

Before start, I gotta say that it will be easier for you to understand this post if u had seen the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MOVIE, if not... ok I´ll try to explain it as well as I could:

The movie starts (as the stage musical does) in an aution where a very old man buys a Musical Box with the figure of a monky attached, discover on the vaults of the Opera House after the "famous disaster"... it happends to be that this old man is Raoul, lover of Cristine, the singer who was "enchanted" by a dark angel of music´s voice (the phantom) who had been secretaly teaching her in misterious singing lessons, falling in love with her and haunting all living creature that fights against the planns he has for her. (includding get laid, of course).
This is when the movie turns (differently from the stage musical) into a huge journey this old man makes to the cementry, where Cristine´s grave is, to delliver her this Musical box, putting it in front of her tombstone as some kind of freaky and poetic (?) tribute to her love. So, all the phantom´s story is presented as flashbacks the old man has during this sad trip. So, I think this is all you have to know untill you see it. Oh! and I MUST add that this scaped-from-a-geriatric man is on a WHEELCHAIR and is assisted all the time by a NUN-NURSE who´s wearing a giant, no, I mean a huuuuuuuuuuuuugge nun-nurse-hat. (Like the ones SALLY FIELD used in "the flying nun").

OK, is not hard to imagine that everytime María came to my house we played the Phantom DVD or listened the Movie soundtrack or both!. But since the first time we whatched it we´ve been fooling around with the joke of "OLD IAN TAKING A JOURNEY ON HIS WHEELCHAIR TO DELLIVER A FUCKING MONKEY TO MARIA´S GRAVE!" and I used to say: "oh María u better NOT die before me!, cause no matter what your family or friends would say I´ll go to the cementery and YOU´LL GET A MONKEY!!"

And this is what happened:
One night last week she came up in my house wearing a "home-made NUN-NURSE HAT!!" she made with a piece of white cardboard, and gave me a MONKEY she made with her own hands!!!.
what a bitch!!! I think nobody had never surprised me like that before, I remember myself crying and laughing at the same time without stopping for hours. But the most crazy thing about all this is the little monkey... it is exactly as the one in the movie... every detail... ohh i wish you had seen the movie to get what I´m talking about!!! (see the picture of MARIA dellivering the monkey here, and here you have a picture of the little monkey she made).

So, now you understand? This is the kind of people that sorrounds me.... and the reason why I have no limits to make a fool of myself and enjoy life. And these obsessions.... they wont hurt anybody.. the only thing you have to do is to find someone to share them with... and enjoy.
JOIN OUR CLUB!!!
love.
Ian.-

Ps- weren´t they six????

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

BACK IN BUSINESS - wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I just dont know where to start... since I left the clinic my life has been surprising me day after day with a few "shocky" things.

_For example: the very first day back on my parents (my new home after divorce)I started a MSN Messenger session and found that a "new contact" was on-line. Even I recognize immediately the name, I had to think twice before sending an Instant Msg.(it couldn´t be possible!) "Ïs that you?? Jason from NYC??" and, like bringing a strong and warm hug to my, then very susceptible, heart... I got a: "Yes, Ian from Buenos Aires!, it´s me!". as an answer.
Jason-NYC was the first friend I meet by internet (first of ohhhh so many!!) and one of the first persons I tried my (then very poor) english on with. (yes Jay,I think you didn´t know that one). I was 17 years old and totally virgin (shut up SILVANA AND MS BEES KNEES, bitches!) in this freaky virtal new world during those days when ICQ reigned, hotmail was the greatest thing ever and we all were burning our brains out trying to invent a new dot com whole in business.

We kept in touch for years... shared lots of things (we used to IRC CHAT everyday) and then... we got lost. (yup, shit happends).
So in my first morning in front of my computer, and for the first time in years, from a hotmail address that I totally forgot he had, Jason, the one I loved so much and thought I lost on my way, was saying hi to me (I almost faint!).
Now I know he has been living in Paris and Russia since I had had the last word from him...he sent me funny pictures of him completely frozen! (He´s still as Hotty and handsome as he was in early ´98! HANDS OFF!!! HE´S MINE!)
Oh, of course he didn´t know anything about my "handicapped bitch thing" so... you can imagen his reaction when I introduced my blog to him....yes AN OVERDOSE OF REALITY...

I LOVE THE GUY.. I THANK MY FATE FOR CROSSING OUR WAYS AGAIN.
(Now we chat every morning... he discover a way to use MSN at the office!)

wow! sorry guys but this was supossed to be a short introduction to what happened today... the FACT that inspired this post´s title:
I AM DIRECTING A MUSICAL!!!!!!

First Rehearsall

ok, remember during my days at the Rehab Center I was asked to write 5 songs for a new musical gfor kids?? well, after I delivered all the final drafts (that were written on my long nights of insomnia), and knowing I was out of the clinic, the producer and co-writter of the play, Myriam, invited me to present the songs to the cast (that had already started rehearsing all choreographies). Then, after a long congratulations session (they loved the songs), they offered me the stage direction of the play! It just stopped my whatch! I couldn´t do anything but inhale a deep breath retaining my tears while I said YES, I DO.
And today was my first rehearsall... I can´t feel happier.

This week the sweet G.D. posted about daydreaming... and I commented on her blog that my daydream would have been to be on stage again, rehearsing a MUSICAL, as I used to do before this fucking illness.... and now... look what was waiting for me behind the next door....
I´M HAPPY. PERIOT

See you all on friday!
Ian.

Friday, May 20, 2005

BACK ON MY PARENT´S PLACE...Is this a way to start my day???

HOME SWEET HOME???? FUCK! The little beast you see in the picture is my Brother LUCAS.... oh, you asked me about the "OTHER" BEAST... his name is B.B. von TRUEGUEN (my Dad´s idea... how in hell do you name a dog like that??? yeah, it´s ridiculous but...it´s his dog...).

The story of this three month Rottweiler baby dog has started years ago, when my Dad first whatched LETHAL WEAPON. Do you remember that stupid scene from that stupid movie, when the stupid cop had to face a giant dog pretending to share its stupid doggie cookies? stupid uh? Well, my father, who is NOT stupid at all, said: "Oh my God! I want one of those beasts!". And this is how he fell in love with Rottweilers.

Even though my mother (and the rest of the neighbourhood) were horrorified at the idea of having one of this creatures running around trying to feed itself with human arms and legs , and, considering that, since that day, my Dad stared at every petshop he found, pressing his nose on the glass with that "pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee" expression on his face, like a child on a toys store. And taking into account that it was his 50 years old birthday, we bought him what he called "My only dream" (now you are not surprised about my drama queen roots). AND NOW HE´S WAKING ME UP EVERY MORNING LICKING MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ohhhhh I miss the REHAB CENTER!).

Other thing to get used to about is bird singing! Holly crap !!!. It´s been 4 years since I´ve been living in downtown BA, and I can´t remember just one lonely morning when a bird woke me up (only once, but it was a Soprano that had moved to my flat and was rehearsing an area at 7am in a saturday morning!! and I wanted to kill her too).
The point is that I´m back in a "neighbourhood" where everybody knows your nameeee, full of trees, sorrounded by mother nature, where the birds sing every morning and the air smels like family, not like black city´s pollution.
well... it was time to get back I guess... I´ll be fine, I know it.
See You all next time! (wednesday).

"my Dad´s only dream!"

(now became truth)

Sunday, May 15, 2005

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, FINAL CHAPTER

I´M NOT JULES VERNE... BUT I DID IT IN 80 DAYS!

yes...it took 80 days... not a day more...not a day less...

I´M BACK HOME!!!!!!!

YES, U CAN TELL EVERYBODY... SINCE LAST FRIDAY NIGHT, IAN, THE "ARGENTINIAN GAY CRIPPLE" (Mrs Bees Knees, it was like this? I used to call myself: "THE HANDICAPPED BITCH" but I think I´ll take this new royal title you tried on me... sounds creepyer than the other) IS A FREE MAN!!!!... I FINALLY LEFT THE REHAB CENTER.... THEY SENT ME HOME.

ARE YOU SURPRISED?... WELL LET ME START THIS POST...

As you´ve been reading, the last three weeks were a living hell if we are talking about my personal & emotional life (divorce). So, last monday I went to the Rehab Center´s Director and I explained to him how my situation was (before this, I had a long conversation with my Desinated PT and friend SILVINA about my rehab plan, my improvements, her expectations about the threathment, etc.) and, taking into account all this stuff and the great success that my rehab has been since I came into that place... we decided it was time to start a new stage on my recovery road.

So we dated last friday as my last day in CARILE CLUB SPA RESORT (REHAB CENTER).

The situation was this... A lot of changes were happening in my life (divorce, to move back to my parent´s house, to get the idea of not living in B A DOWNTOWN anymore, to finally discover I had nobody beside me (husband) to share things like: "hey, i´m walking again, etc, etc ,etc...) and I WASN´T LIVING THEM!!!!! I was "living in that bubble called Rehab Center", absolutely safe from suffering... a place where, as I told you, you must think only about yourself.... and that´s exactly what I did: and it was time to face these facts, it was time to leave....

But don´t think its over... it´s just the begginning of, as my beloved son Nico said on his comment at my last week´s post:"the reborn as a new man".

Today I started the "new rehab plann" in a gym 10 minutes from my parent´s house (now my new home) and it was great to be outside again, meet new people and enjoy "natural light". I´m going to this Gym every morning and twice a week, a car is piking me up too take me to the clinic to keep woorking on my body and my voice.... and it sounds like a great plan!

About my now former husband, I won´t say a word, just to tell you that he is still missing and I knew because of a friend we have in common, that he already knows i´m out... but, still not even a call. (jerk?, idiot?, emotionally immature? or just another coward?.... who knows?)

WELL MY DEARS! I MADE AN ALBUM FOR YOU...it has all the piictures I took on my last day in REHAB... --pay attention to my little comments, there you have images of all the things I´ve been talking to you about for around 80 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

click on the hotty cycle rider to see the album. DO NOT TELL ME YOU COULDN´T FIND A HOTTY HERE!!! (my mom did it... bitch!)

ABOUT MY SITE...I´ll try to return to my regular postings next week. so... as always, STAY TUNED!

I´m happy, thank you so much for being by my side on this freaky road to my recovery... I knoe I´M NOT ALONE.

FOR YOU, FOR ME, FOR LIFE ITSELF...I´LL NEVER GIVE UP!

I LOVE YOU ALL

IAN

Saturday, May 07, 2005

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 11




THE AGE WHEN ALL SONGS GOT A NEW MEANNING



It´s sounds silly, but during last week, as I was going through the fact I was finally getting divorced, I felt I had a flashback to my teenager days...
when I realized this?
One afternoon, at the gym, I was doing my ABS with SILVINA, my PT, while we were listening Aspen Radio (it´s a radio station that only plays classics and oldies), then the host announced BON JOVI: "ALWAYS".. and when this little man started singing phrases like:

"And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always "
I started to bark: "it´s all a lie","love songs are all just a bag of bullshit" (PHASE1: ANGER)
"Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye "
Then I thought: "oh, oh... touchy, yes, but still bullshit!!" (PHASE2: RESENTMENT)

"Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me "
And then: "buuuuuaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, that´s so fucking true!!"(PHASE3: SORROW)


Then afterwards, in order to complete the secret plan this fucking radio station apparently had to destroy my sanity, they decided to play that old ROD STEWARD song callled "I DON´T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT".... remember this fucking (beautifull) lyric??




I can tell by your eyes that you've probably been crying forever
And the stars in the sky don't mean nothing to you they're a mirror
I don't want to talk about it
How you broke my heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
won't you listen to my heart
Oh oh my heart
If I stand alone will the shadows hide the colour of my heart
black for the night, blue for tears fears the stars in the sky
don't mean nothing to you they're a mirror
I don't want to talk about it
How you broke my heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
won't you listen to my heart
Oh oh my heart





Now you see why I thought about my teen days?...I remember myself in early ´90 trying not to suffer while listening songs like MADONNA´s "take a bow" or TONY BRAXTON´s "unbreak my heart" thinking about some son of a bitch that maybe hurted me.
And my last post, when I was helped by some Annie Lennox song to explain how I was feeling...
and I wonder... is it just me or this things happends to "normal" people???
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


I know you wanna know, I promised to tell you, but please let me be brief on this subject:
NO, I still don´t have a clue of how my (now former) husband is, or how is he doing. Since that hedious phonecall I described last week, I haven´t even get a txt message on my email...

Last monday - the day he used to visit me at the clinic (is one of his days off from work) I asked him (I made my mother call him) NOT to come. I just didn´t want to be freaking out the whole morning thinking about if he would appear or not... so I just stepped first.
NO REACTION
NOT A CALL
NOT A NOTHING...

Then thursday, the other day he used to came to the clinic to help me deal wiht my lunch (I can´t use utencils by myself remember?) it´s always just a few minutes (he´s between jobs). So wednesday night I left him a message on my answering machine: " Buddy, we really need to talk... a very llong conversation and as always, you will have no time tomorrow, and I don´t want to share lunch without talking... so I preffer not to see you tomorrow...I´ll handle it alone. DO NOT COME."
NO REACTION
NOT A CALL
NOT A NOTHING...


So you can say that TECNICALLY we are still MARRIED!!!! CONGRATULATE US!!