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A Handicapped Bitch in Recovery!

Saturday, April 30, 2005

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 10


I Don´t even want to think about a good title for this post... I´m not ok... actually I wasn´t even feeling like posting tonight... but as I told SILVANA on the phone, tonight´s post will be a very cathartic way to deal with this shit... who knows.

This evening I had a fight with Buddy, (it wasn´t that bad, we just argue a little bit on the phone) and afterwards things got worse...
During the last two weeks I´ve been thinking a lot about my life before and after my illness, marriage matters included, and maybe this excess of self-exploration and neurotic-obsessive instrospection were the start of all this, how to call tem, "desires of divorce"...

And then the phone call... that ended with a few screams and a gross hung up... like most of our phone conversations during the last few month...

Then, without waiting, another call, this time I dialed...

B- hello?

me_buddy, I´m so fucking sick of it, all our phonecalls ends like this... listen to me, if u keep on this there will be no more chances for us to argue again!.... U got it?

B- (loud) is that what u want?...

me_(louder) I´m not sure, u want this?

B- (screaming) -OK! u decide!!...

me_(freaked out) GO TO HELL! (hang up)

So... do you still need a title on this post? This weekend I was going to blog about a new job I started while I´m at the clinic (I was asked to write the lyrics of a new musical for kids, thing I already started and that was a very cool work to do -never wrote for kids before-). And now... I´m full of shit.

I assume you already read my last TWIGLIGHT ZONE POST (if not, click HERE and pay special attention to the introduction and part2) and as you may think, things has never been the same again after that, but, as I said on that post, I HAD other priorities than thinking about my marriage and I just let it pass...

Anyway, now is not about cheating, trusting, or so... this is not even related with my ilness either. is just the fact that we are so diff´rent from each other... and I´ve been dealing with these differences for the last three years, but I´m not complaining on this fact, I did it because I love him... but the limits got me before I thought they would... and I´m in the need to say ENOUGH.

And the worst part of it is that I´m sure this mmman loves me more than anyone ever had, but he is a prisoner of his own narrow world, the one he has built for himself, where everything works on his own way and all things happends because of other people´s fault and acts. A world where, even though I tried... I don´t have a room, a world that, I discovered, I don´t wanna be part of.

Remember Annie Lennox´s song "Why"???

BY ANNIE LENNOX

well... it´s like I´m stucked in the...

"And these are the years that we have spent

And this is what they represent

And this is how I feel

Do you know how I feel?

'Cause I don't think you know how I feel

I don't think you know what I feel

I don't think you know what I feel

You don't know what I feel"

... part. And is so fucking sad. I love him... but I am just so tired...And maybe, before we hurt each other more, it´s time to say godbye in the name of all the marvalous things we lived togheter since those freezing nights of july2002....

sorry ... but I´ll finish my post here. We´ll see what happend during the week and of course, I´ll tell u.

I LOVE U

STAY TUNED

IAN.

send your mail to(Now I gotta insist....):
Sr. Ian Gutierrez.
Inst. CARILE Habitacion 615
Hospital Militar Central
Avda Luis M. Campos #726
Buenos Aires (C1426BOR) ARGENTINA

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