THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 5

THE BURNING NUTRICIONIST LADY

It happened two weeks ago. Romina and me were talking about the food and she told me she was tired of it, for some unkown and uncomprehensible reason, they gave her chiken every night... fried chicken, breeaded chicken, chicken burguers, etc... and she hates this little birds.

There is in this world only one plate I just can´t even try: it´s called "POLENTA", wich is nothing but cooked ground corn, that smells and tastes like crap.

The day I arrrived I had a brief interview with the nutricionist ans I was asked if there was something I couldn´t eat...so I told her about my polenta problem and she said it was ok, at she will exclude this shittty hotplate from my diet.

everything was great until.... one night I opened my dinner box and almost threw upp when I found a big smelty prtion of fucking polenta!!!!!!!(watch the picture on the link, it looks like an old woman´s period on a piece of yellow shit served on a plate!!!). I wanted to scream but I just held my breath, counted to ten and went to the clinic´s restaurant to get a sandwich.

Things got worst when the night after I found they brought me polenta again!!! and then I started my plans to kill the nutricionist. Of course ROMINA agreed and joined on my cruzade to revenge our stomachs.

The plan was, when this cute girl came on her round to my room (615) the morning after, I would soak her with gasoline, then afterwards, whe she arrive to Romina´s room (617) she would light a match... and kabooooooooooooom!!!! no more ckicken and polenta for us!!!!!!!!!!!

We laughed a lot about this plan... but everything ended ok. we had a conversation with her and she admitted she made a mistake with the listing and she promised not to send polenta again. And about the chicken thing... she would try not to send it everynight... happy ending (for me, because Romina had to deal with coocked birds util the day she left the REHAB CENTER...)

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THE MUSIC WAR

IAN VS ALEJANDRO

I think everyone of you remember ALEJANDRO, my hotty, handsome taken-from-an-escort-catalogue designated PT. well, I think I gave you enough details on this diaries about how cool this guy is... but he has a huge defect (besides being straight)... his taste in music sucks!

He is from CORDOBA, a argentinian state located in the north west of BUENOS AIRES. Actually I lived there for 4 years when I was a kid. This region is famous because of their people´s funny accent (that ALEJANDRO has making him so fucking cute), sense of humor and "CUARTETO MUSIC", THE GREATEST SHIT MY EARS EVER HEARD.

How can I explain what this music is and how it sounds.... ok, close your eyes and pretend to be in the middle of an exotic latin parade where everybody is screaming, then add some barking dogs, drums and cheap wine and you´ll get a close idea of how this trashy rythm is.

I don´t need to say that my sweet PT loves this shit and waits for any chance he could find to put one of his CDs on the gym by the time I am working just to piss me off. It did.t matter how I cursed him, bitch him or even screamed, he just laughed at me and turn the volume louder and louder.

Then I threatened hiM: "wait until next monday...I´ll play the music and you will have to listeN every single song you sucker bitch!!"

And that moday came..... I prepared a CD with the worst queer selection of songs I could find in internet... all too disco... all too classic... all too gay. (I just wanted to see his reactions to them, he is too straight to enjoy it eehehe)

I called this CD "PUTICILINA 500mg." (something like GAYSPIRIN, a medication to cure straightness) and it has a note on it warning about the dangers of its abuse, that it was addictive.

the list started with:

1. I AM WHAT I AM
2. DANCING QUEEN- ABBA
3. GLORIA- LARA BRANIGAN
4. A LITTLE RESPECT- ERASURE
5. YMCA - VILLAGE PEOPLE GIRLS
6. SHOOP SHOOP SONG - CHER
7. HOT STUFF- donna summer
8. i will survive- gloria gaynor
9. EXPRESS YOURSELF VOGUE MIX - MADONNA
10. VENUS - BANANARAMA
11. FAME - IRENE CARA
12. AND VERY MUCH MORE............

So... I turned the gym into a gay discoteque... and they loved it! even ALEJANDRO wanted a ccopy of this CD... so you can say I won this battle...

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WELL BABIES... I DON´T WANNA BORED U... I PROMISE MORE PICTURES COMING SOON...

I LOVE YOU!!!

OHHHHHHHHH! during this week I went through another TWIGLIGHT ZONE EXPERIENCE... (read my TZ post from my ESSENTIALS TO READ list on my sidebar) and I really wanted to post about it but I´m affraid you won´t believe it... I don´t wanna be taken as a big fat liar!

u wanna read the story? tell me in your comments... ohhhhh god! my life is so fucking weird!!!!!!!!!!

STAY TUNED

LOVE!

IAN.-

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 4

HEY HEY HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This will be a little diffrent kind of post, because I FINALLY GOT THE PICTURES WE TOOK AT THE GYM!!!(thanks to Romina´s family) and I thought it would be great to share them with you.
Thanks again for all your emails and support, I love you!!!

THE HAVE-SEX-WITH-A-BALL TORTURE

It hurts like hell, I have to press te ball against thaa wall trying not to fall down or break a bone. The blond Barbie Queen is SILVINA, my not-too-sane PT.(I just love her).
Look under my arm!!! That´s a painfull, hard worked and tearfull swet!!

THE CRAZY COUPLE (CLOWN BITCH AND CLOWN QUEER)

ROMIONA AND I. not much more to say, the pic is talking by itself, don´t you think?

THE CARILE REHAB CIRCUS PICTURES!!!

SILVINA AS THE CLOWN CAPTAIN,look where my leg is, when I entered to rehab I couldn´t even move it!!! anyway, the pics are funny.

More Clowns acts. the one in yellow is ALEJANDRA, another WAKKO PT.

we love yelloow balls. it´s official.

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THE LETTER

YES DINA, your beautiful letter arrived to my room last week and I was so exited about it that I made everyone in here read it, it was so sweet!

It seems that receiving mail is not a common thing for the people who live here, so--- let me encourage you all to send ME postcards and letters to the address I gave u last week. it was awesome to see that envelope waiting for me on my bed when I got back from the gym. THANK YOU DINAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE YOU!!!!

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ROMINA IS MADONNA!!!

SHE left the clinic last fridasy in the middle of a media storm. Remember I told you she was one of the survivors of the CROMAGNON FIRE? (see page 3 on this diary) well. when the press knew she was leeaving for her house, came all togheterr to get the story. Sice she left, her picture and her voice has been in all the tv channels, radios and paper along this country. We used to joke about it, I just hope this people leave her alone soon.

ROMINA! SE PUEDE!!! (this was a secret phrase she always says to the journalist,but it´s actually a joke she´s doing for me... like our particular lema)

well...gotta run again.

I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stay tuned

ian.-

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 3

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.. LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO:

"THE CARILE REHAB CIRCUS"

Feat. IAN as THE HANDICAP CLOWN QUEER!

iññiiñ-ug-kfg

Yes, I´m the clown... or it seems so...
Since I moved to this clinic, I tried to live this experience as good as I could, and it doesn´t mean to live in a fantasy world where sadness doesn´t catch you.
Besides the "WEIRD-OPTIMISTIC" way I´m facing my life and all the things that had been happening to me since last may , and besides this what ARETHUSA callled "my personality" that "could make just about any place be like Disneyland", there´s a huge fact that can´t be ignored:
"No matter how you deal with it, in this place you are sorrounded by pain and sorrow"

Now let me explain why I started my post this way: In this place, wherever you watch, everybody has their own sad story to be told, and that´s when my "crazy attitude" (wakko) calls everyone´s eye inside this handicap little planet we are sharing, so it´s wild (and a little crazy too) how, with a little joke, a funny face or a crazy comment at the gym, you can start a hilarious general laughter, make them smile and maybe, make them forget about their pain just for a little while.
And here´s when "THE CARILE REHAB CIRCUS" appears... I´ll tell you the story:

I met a wonderful girl here, ROMINA, she´s been here for the last two month recovering from the injuries she suffered during the fire of the Disco Cromagnonn the night before new years eve. (she´s great now, she will leave the clinic next week). She´s so funny and when we saw each other´s face expressions when we were at the gym suffering our PT´s commands we became friends right away.
Our times at the GYM are now like a practical jokes contest and everybody is especting for our reactions and jokes.

ROMINA and I spend most of our free time togheter, laughing at our lives and talking a lot about how we should handle our realities, she has become really important for me, and we brough support to each other since we got so close. I´m happy to had found her.

But I was talking about THE CIRCUS...

One day we were at the gym, laying on a huge mattres pad we use to do our excercise (it fits like 5 people lying togheter), I was about to start my ABS session using a huge ball under my legs (get the picture?, Ian lying face up, with a planet-zized ball under my legs in giving-birth-position ready to start suffering with my ABS) and ROMINA was about to do something similar with other ball (I think she was sitting on it.). Then, SILVINA and ALE, our designated PT´s that were checking our resistance, climbed to the mattress and tried to help us not to fell, and that´s was the begining of a picture that even until today is making everybody laugh until their pants become wet.

IAN ON GIVING BIRTH POSITION WITH THE HUGE YELLOW BALL UNDER HIM, SILVINA ON HER KNEES TRYING NOT TO FELL DOWN FROM THE MATTRESS UNDER MY LEGS PRESSION, ROMINA SITTING ON A HUGE RED BALL IN EQUILIBRIUM AND ALE,TRYING TO HELP HER NOT TO BRAKE A LEG IN THE MEANTIME. THEN SOMEBODY SCREAMED: HEY! YOU LOOK LIKE CLOWNS IN A CIRCUS! (he was right, the scene was as hilarious as ridiculous)
Then we noticed that everybody at the gym were stearing at us, trying not to laugh their butts out. And we started the show... we changed positions and tried to keep on our exercies but we were laughing so loud that we just couldn´t keep being serious about it. we put some music and made our pantomime acts pretending to be a very weird group of handicap acrobats.. .

Laughter is definetely better than any medication (god! now I´m fucking PATCH ADAMS!!!)
now everytime we got to the mattress or use the balls we start joking about the circus thing, entertaining the rest with our freaky way to face our pain.
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I GOT MY HANDICAP CERTIFICATE!!!!! Yes guys! after a few burocractic issues, my papers are ready and today (friday) I had the audition to get my card. This means that, from this moment, my social insurance company is forced to pay for every penny I have to spend in rehab, medications, testings, etc. so... ISN´T IT GREAT?????

LATER I´LL TELL YOU MORE ABOUT ITS BENEFITS.

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another goodie...
I STARTED WALKING WITHOUT ASSISTANCE LAST TUESDAY!!!
I´m using a CANADIAN CANE (view picture) and I still gotta practise a lot but I haven´t broke a leg yet and ALEJANDRO says thattt´s a good sign!!! hehheehehhee

well my sweethearts, gotta run...

but first let me thank you all for your comments and emails. I LOVE U!!.

ohhhhhhhh Ilaughed a lort with TEXAS BISCUIT comment about my assistant who makes coffe eheehehhe

here we have some kind of "male nurses" that help us with little things like pulling our wheelchairs, joining us to the bathroom, helping with our bath and, in this case... make some coffe, they are called ASSISTANTS. but you are right MY DEAR texas muffin... I love FANCYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

STAY TUNED!!!!!!!!!!!!

IAN

THE BETTY FORD DIARIES, PAGE 2*

THE ROAD TO "BIPED WORLD"

HI SWEETHEARTS!!!

Here I am again, writting from the Rehab Center, still trying to get connected to internet from this place. (actually I already talked even with the DIRECTOR of the Clinic and hr promised me he will do his best to arrange it).

I miss you so much!! but lemme tell ya, not as much as I thought I would, and it´s not because I love you less... it´s just because I DON´T HAVE TIME TO MISS YOU!!!!!!!! OR TO MISS ANYTHING OR TO EVEN THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT REHAB AND EXERCISES!!

you´ll see, my day starts at 6.30am with a hot shower and lots of pills (my regular cortizone medication). 7.15 breakfast in bed (I hate tea!!! so when nobody is watching, my assistant prepares me black coffe!) that I enjoy untill 8 o´clock, when they put me on my chair and take me to the gym (ok, instead of "to the gym" u can read "to Alejandro´s arms" eheheh) when I forget even my own name.
Activities last till 12.00 when we stop to have lunch. then, at 3pm (except thursdays when I start at 2.30pm) I´m back in the Gym, this time with SILVINA my other designated PT (well, she´s not a handsome, tall, muscled and hotty hunk but she´s terrific, not only because of her beauuty -blond, blue eyed, million dollar smiled latin Barbie- she has exactly my own sense of humor so you can get a picture of how hilarious a therapy session with us togheter can be) and it ends at 6.00pm when i have an appointment with my phonoaudiologyst (Another thing to point about my good luck in this place: SHE´S AN OPERA SINGER, SO SHE´S HELPIING ME TRYING TO FIND MY VOICE AGAIN... SO IM STARTING SINGING AGAIN!!) this lessons ussualy takes not less than 40 minutes.
Dinner is served at 7.00 (very early, here in Argentina people ussualy have dinner around 10pm!) and then, after eating... I´m free!!!!!!!!!! (to complain about how hardmy butt hurts after the whole journey).
Other activities I´m into are: OCUPATIONAL THERAPHY, SHRINK (FACE TO FACE CONFRONTATION WITH A PSYCO THING) AND PHONOAUDIOLOGY (with the Soprano teacher included)

As youu can see, I don´t even have time to think clearly about the fact that I´m locked here... and, fortunately, it doesn´t feels that way.
Here all you can do is to think about yourself, to work hard and above all things TO GET BETTER. Everything is setted up on that way and every member of this clinic staff is ere just to join you on that direction. All you need to do is to follow the signs they are showing... and to work hard.

THE RESULTS:

• AFTER LESS THAN TWO WEEKS HERE:
• I CAN STAND UP WITHOUT ASSISTANCE
• I´M WALKING (WITH HELP)
• I RECOVER MY ARMS STRENGHT ( I can move my wheelchair by myself now and I´m free to move from one room to the others without my assistant´s help INDEPENDENCE!!!!!!!!).
• I´M RECOVERING MY VOICE and my talking problem is fading everyday more.
• MY CHEST IS GROWING AND MY BELLY IS DISSAPEARING (Thank te Lord!!!, since this shit started, I was becoming a giant MEXICAN PIÑATA!, and now that my therapy innncludes 350 ABS everyday... I´ll become a 2000 queer version of Marky Mark).

so.... I´M HAPPY.

ohhhhh the following paragraph is just to thank you all (yeahhhh again!) because i readed your comments and emails. Dina asked me to get the clinnic address... here you are:

send your mail to-

Sr. Ian Gutierrez

Inst. CARILE Habitacion 615

Hospital Militar Central

Avda Luis M. Campos #726

Buenos Aires (C1426BOR) ARGENTINA

and I jut can´t believe that Nikki (my son) who´s very shy ans hates to be in the spotlight have dropped a comment.... thank you baby! i love you too!!!

and the rest of you, I have no words to describe how it feels to read your lines after a week like the one I just described...

THANK YOU

I LOVE U!

IAN-.